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entry • broken entry for @raywist tw : $3lf-h4rm, sv1c1d3, d3ath i was dying on the inside. i was falling, from nowhere, in empty darkness. all alone, in the cold, like i was trapped in a nightmare. i hit something hard and collapsed, immense pain searing through my body, my limbs trembling. i couldn't stand up, and it hurt to lie down. i was on a floating platform made of glass, glass that seemed to be paper thin. my heart was beating wildly, and my brain stopped working. i could feel my pulse quickening, and my clammy palms struggled to stick to the glass. then i heard a crack. i watched in horror, motionless, as the glass began to splinter. the silver veins spread all over the surface, and i couldn't move. i was paralyzed. i couldn't speak, and i struggled to breathe. i wanted to run, but i couldn't. and then the glass gave way, and my stomach lurched as the thin layer below my knees shattered, and i was falling again. all i wanted was to run away and be safe, and not alone anymore. but i couldn't. i was falling, falling, falling, falling endlessly. there was no end, i would be falling forever. going nowhere and being stuck in this lonely isolation. everything hurt, but a mad wave of emotions washed over me. anger, guilt, sadness. and then i heard voices. ghostly, quiet voices, overlapping in my head, driving me insane. my head started to hurt, and i couldn't handle it anymore. i wanted to let go. but i couldn't. the voices and thoughts and emotions were stuck in my head, insistent on staying, spreading through my whole body and consciousness, poisoning me slowly, eating at me day by day, overpowering me, until i finally ʙʀᴏᴋᴇ. and then i realized. an uneasy feeling of understanding washed over me. i was afraid. i was afraid of letting go. i couldn't deal with the grief, i still needed ʜɪᴍ. i still needed the boy who ruined my life. suddenly, memories stormed through my head, and i was overburdened by other voices, by flashbacks, by smiles and pleasured feelings, by tears and neglect. he had ruined me. i had let ʜɪᴍ. i thought i still needed ʜɪᴍ. i had become his puppet, and he had controlled me. but now, this was ᴍʏ sᴛᴏʀʏ. i screamed. i screamed loud and with a burning rage, tears running down my cheeks, my throat burning with anger and emotions that needed to be let out. i needed to be heard, i needed to let it out. i needed to let go and move on. i needed to heal my wounds. he may broken me, but i had risen again. a million colors exploded in the air, and devastating memories of sadness and anger were erased from my mind. a feeling of calmness washed over me, and i stopped falling. i could think and breathe now, no longer held back by my past with ʜɪᴍ. the cold went away, my skin warming up and cooling down, my tense muscles relaxing. i felt a sense of self-control now. the world around me increased in luminosity, and i shielded my eyes as everything got brighter and lighter, like i was set free of this doomed place. i closed my eyes and a tsunami of energy rippled through me like a nuclear reaction. i barreled backward, keeling from the immense energy surge, unable to move or think as the energy radiated off me. warm sunlight greeted me as i opened my eyes and squinted, trying to get familiar with my surroundings. i was in a warm, cozy space, and i could make out the arrangement of a bedroom. i was sitting on a plush bed, and i suddenly realized i was in my dorm room. i got up, my body miraculously not aching anymore. i walked over to a huddle of messy cardboard boxes marked "leona's things". i gulped. leona was my roommate and best friend. until she died in a drvnk driving accident. but for some reason, i didn't feel nauseous, to the level where my stomach was churning and my heart aching, my soul filled with so much grief, thinking it was my fault. i still felt sadness when i read her name. but it did not attack my violently like it did before. i was not weak. i had beaten ʜɪᴍ. every time ʜᴇ struck, ʜᴇ would wreak havoc on my world, and i would try to hopelessly build it up again, but ʜᴇ smashed it down again, uncaring and cruel, ruining my life again and again. i would take n33dles and draw lines on my hand, watching as the bl00d seeped through. i would think about taking p1lls, the kind that put you to sleep and you would never wake up. but not anymore. i crouched down and stacked the boxes on top of one another. leona was dead, and i had to move on. spending your whole life grieving would eat at a person, poison me and intoxicate others the way ʜᴇ did. but i moved past my grief, i moved on. leona and the others would always still be in my heart, and ʜᴇ will not peck at me anymore. every time ʜᴇ strikes, i will rise up and fight him. i will face ʜɪᴍ, no matter how hard it is. i will make it better for myself, for others around me. ʜᴇ will never get me again, and i will break him someday. i walked out the door with the boxes. i am now ᴜɴʙʀᴇᴀᴋᴀʙʟᴇ.