entry • existence

Instructions

　　　　　 　　 entry • cliffhanger 　　　　　　　 tw: murd3r, m3ntal every time you looked at me, i could feel it. i didn't know how i could be so blind, maybe it was your perfect smile or your piercing blue eyes, looking all the way through my soul, examining my innocence, like an x-ray. something about you captivated my heart. and so i followed you everywhere, and when you kissed me that fateful night, i thought i was dreaming. and it was a dream. your expensive car, fancy restaurants, your parents' mansion. i was the girl who everyone envied—not the lonely zoe hopman who sat by herself at lunch, staring wistfully at the blond girls your jock friends dallied with. but i didn't want the dream to end. my life was finally perfect. the perfect boy, the attention of the whole school, friends who would do anything for me. it's what i always wanted. at least, that's what i used to think. but as we all know, good things come to an end. my perfect dream morphed into a nightmare. slowly and steadily, i saw the shadows trying to creep in. cracks started to form, and i tried so hard to keep them out. but i could not. i could just watch in horror as the bricks piled up around me, forming walls with no windows. you put me on a glass display where everyone could marvel at me. and then the nightmare became too real. there was no way out, and i suffered. i suffered in my own silent pain, to the point where i would hurt myself and pull out my hair. i felt guilty about myself. i thought i was crazy. after all, how could a nice, sweet boy like you hurt girls like this? i tried so hard, so hard, to make myself believe that i was just imagining things. but tracing needles on my wrist and watching the blood seep out never helped. i tried so hard to be the perfect girl. i had thought you were perfect and innocent, and that i was just driving myself mad. but it's hard to hide the ways you hurt me, the ways you shower your insults, made of acid, burning and eating away at my soul. no one cares enough to listen. that picture-perfect empire was held up up nails. so easy to break, and lose. everything came crashing down. i tried to get everyone who understand me; i was begging for someone to listen. but everyone told me i needed help. especially you. you acted like you genuinely cared. you were like a flowing. the desperate looked up to you, and you brought life to so many lives. but nobody could see the dirt and filth inside you. you were always flowing, always changing, and when someone got caught up in your waters, it would be too late. they would drown. so that day when you picked me up after school and supposedly apologized in your car, was i supposed to believe you and any of your deception? like a fool, i did. even though you hurt me, even though your touch made me crack, even though you burned down my whole world, you still held out your hand for me. and i still gave you a chance. and as we drove out to the forest by the cliff, i couldn't help but feel like i was insane. was it me? was i just imagining all of this? was this some crazy illusion? the clearing strung with lights and the picnic table decorated with flowers seemed a bit too romantic. but you walked me to the thicket, and you started telling me about how sorry you were. you looked like you were on the verge of a breakdown. and as the tears fell from my eyes in your warm embrace, i forgave you. and we just sat there in the dark, crying and coming to our realizations that we've both been horrible to each other. and then we shared kisses, filled with emotions and grief, desperate to let all of our apologies out on our lips. and then we sat near the edge of the cliff, and we laughed as we recounted memories. just spending time together. no lavish restaurant or bustling party. it was just the two of our hearts, slowly healing. the pieces of our souls slowly picking themselves off the floor and joining together. you were sorry, and i could tell you genuinely meant it. grief and sorrow can do terrible things to us. then you said you needed to get something from the car. i smiled and let you go ahead. it seemed to take you ages, and i just stared out at the valley below me, unsuspecting. and then i heard your footsteps on the ground behind me, but you didn't say anything. they were quiet, quiet, quiet. and then my heart almost leaped out of my chest as soon as i realized you were about to push me off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- four weeks later i woke to the bright lights of the hospital room, and something like vanilla air freshener and hand sanitizer hit me. the air feels cold against my skin, and i'm in an incredibly itchy hospital gown. i see my parents sitting next to me, looks of worry and relief plastered across their faces. my mother has a hand on my wrist, and something in her eyes looks faraway. (next part)