once upon a time there was a little girl so full of unconditional, pure love she was just bursting to give. she died. now there's just me: a little girl so full of pent up anger she's just bursting to give. a wolf in sheep's clothing. dead sheep clothing. a girl full of lies. a girl full of fears. someone who hates and hates and hates but still wants to be loved. to love. /but who's willing to dive headfirst into the raging fire when lukewarm waters was all they've ever known?/ her mother died during birth. she whispered: 'i love you talonfall' before her death. not 'i love you devotion and love', not even a hateful remark at their birth and her subsequential death. just for her father. who wasn't even there to see her death, to see her burial-- he got that message from one of the queens. her father too broken, too busy to care. he's a /terribly important/ cat. of course he won't be there to see your apprenticeship. to see your warrior ceremony. to see love's parting. to see the life her mother gave her life to give age and die and turn to dirt like all things do because he is a coward and although devotion is one too, at least she insults him, does things just to spite him. but at least she's there. is that too much to ask? her sister? love doesn't come easy, and it breaks fast. she stopped crying a long time ago, and she's forgotten how to handle a little girl's tears. so she hands her to someone who can-- she tells herself that she's loved, she's loving, and very much alive and well. she's a liar, but a good one, and that, at least, keeps the darker 'what-ifs' away. anyways. no talk from her since /that day/. not even a whisper. she has 'friends'. sure. but they hate her secretly and she hates them too-- un-secretly. and you can't get love from cats you don't care about. so she's alone. always has been. from the day she became a warrior, her path was set. she was going to be /better/. be better than him and everyone and hate everyone with a fury and energy that no one would have seen coming. that was her life goal now. because she was 'petty' and 'spiteful' and 'rebellious'. she doesn't care about that. all she cares is about spiting him. but more than that. she's an adult now. and she gets to make her own decisions, and even if it's the last thing she does she's going to get her revenge. revenge for the time he's taken and the time he's going to give. revenge for the tears and blood and sweat. and it won't be peaceful. or legal. but everything is going to finally work after this. all the wrongs she's stopped trying to correct; all the hurt she's been trying to escape; all the burdens she's been trying to hold; all the tears she's already cried; all the tears she's vowed not to spill. it will work. it has to. but one last question before you leave love... 'how long can one survive on anger and spite and hate alone?' she turns, looks back at me with those dewy doe eyes. so innocent. for a moment, i regret it. all of it. her eyes are doe-wide, doe-bright, staring back at me. she laughs, melodic and beautiful and whole in every way i was not. even still, he ruined her. the nights she's spent crying. the nights i've spent consoling her. the nights he's spent doing whatever morbid things he normally does. i tell myself, this is for her. it's a half-truth. but it keeps my mind off the real truth. that i am petty and afraid and too cowardly to face him like a man. but i'm not a man. i'm a small girl and he hurt me. his silence disapproval hurt more than his words ever could. 'and that's the last thing you wanted to say before i left? not very long, i guess. it's unhealthy too. terribly bad for the body and mind. the brightest flame tends to burn out it the fastest...' 'thanks, love, as always, for everything. you're smart. a good cat too. i'd say 'see you in starclan', but i don't think starclan's going to let me in...' her laugh echos in my head as she leaves, even though no words were uttered between us since that last farewell. i can still hear it. and it's getting louder by the second. god, will it ever stop? [part 2] part 1: part 3:
