just a warning, this went from actual writing to me ranting and crying because i needed to get it out, so i guess this counts as a vent so if you don't want to read it then just don't oh yeah also i wrote this and then calmed down and talked to someone, im stable *thumbs up* 5th feb 9:35pm listening to tv, billie eilish i miss him. a lot. whatever she entered her room, shutting the door silently behind her and shutting the curtains before falling into her bed, exhausted. she took a breath and opened up her phone, before searching up a certain contact name. she tapped the edit button and deleted the nickname and heart emojis, before changing it to a simple, ‘[redacted]’. she then opened up their texts and scrolled to the top, before slowly reading through every single one. as her eyes searched his replies for any deeper meaning, any possible cause to their current disrupt, salty tears began to slide down her cheeks. the jokes, and the way they were both so comfortable in each other's presence. she let out a shaky breath before searching for a specific date and reading through more, the tears starting to blur her vision now as she scoured the screen for the words ‘i love you’. though she could never find those words spoken from anyone other than herself, she knew it was the truth. for some, short period of time, at least. she reached another milestone. when he started to stop replying. she still waited every single day for the notification, gradually realising that it would never come. in those moments she lay down on the wooden floor and let her tears flow. what did i do??? what did i ever do to you? all i did was love you. all i ever did was love you. and you loved me, i hope. i'm not her, we both knew i wasn't ever her. i was always your second option. in your eyes we were nothing but in my eyes you were my everything and i don't know what i did to deserve what is happening to me but i miss you so much even though things will never be the same. i don't even know. if you EVER felt that way, you probably didn't. you never loved me the way i loved you, you only used me for [removed]. i'm sorry. you really, truly deserve the world. you're never going to read this. the amount of seconds, minutes, hours, [removed] DAYS i've spent just. just thinking about you, and only you. why can't things go back to how they were?? i wish they would. like, yeah ii get it, i should never have let my walls down but i really trusted you with my life and i still do even though maybe i shouldn't- do you trust me? [redacted], you have me [removed] up.
