NEO: I CAN'T DO IT! Delta, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER! NEO: I CANT DO IT ANYMORE HYP3R: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US. NEO: NEO: I appreciate it, NEO: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH- Holo: NEO- NEO: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! Zip: NEO we gotta- NEO: YOU GOTTA DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT. NEO: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?' NEO, motioning to CYB3R: NOT THIS --------- NEO: Dumbest scar stories, go! Delta: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. HYP3R: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it. Holo: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. Zip: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn. CYB3R: CYB3R: I have emotional scars. ---------- NEO: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat* Delta: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents NEO: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you HYP3R: Actually I did the math, Delta would have $225, not $0.15. Delta: Fam I’m right here.... Holo: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :) NEO: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please? Holo: Sorry I only have a dollar NEO: :( HYP3R: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Delta would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent Holo: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice HYP3R: You can buy anything you want with $22,500 Zip: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice HYP3R: Apply juice to what CYB3R: Directly to the forehead Delta: Great chat everyone --------- NEO: Just be yourself. Delta: 'Be myself'? NEO, I have one day to win HYP3R over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me? Holo: Couple weeks. Zip: Six months. CYB3R: Jury’s still out. Delta: See, NEO? Delta: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that? --------- NEO: We need to distract these guys Delta: Leave it to me Delta: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. HYP3R, Holo, and Zip: *Immediately begin arguing* CYB3R, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all. ----------- NEO: Delta... How do I begin to explain Delta? HYP3R: Delta is flawless. Holo: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000. Zip: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan. CYB3R: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome. --------- NEO: Croissants: dropped Delta: Road: works ahead HYP3R: BBQ sauce: on my chest Holo: Shavacado: fre Zip: Miss Keisha: Really dead CYB3R: CYB3R, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you. --------- NEO: Time for plan G. Delta: Don’t you mean plan B? NEO: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. HYP3R: What about plan D? NEO: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Holo: What about plan E? NEO: I’m hoping not to use it. Zip dies in plan E. CYB3R: I like plan E. --------- NEO: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke. Delta: Okay, but what is updog? HYP3R: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish. Holo: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released. Zip: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden. CYB3R: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter. NEO: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs. Holo: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current. HYP3R: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway. Delta: What’s a henway?? NEO: Oh, about five pounds. --------- *Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’* NEO: Thanks fam! Delta: oh no HYP3R: *cries* I love you too Holo: Sounds fake but okay Zip: *A flustered mess* CYB3R: can i get a refund ---------- NEO: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something? Delta: Nope, absolutely not. HYP3R: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through. Holo: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life. Zip: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you. CYB3R: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome. --------- NEO, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here. Delta: Hey. HYP3R: Hi. Holo: Hello. Zip: Hey! NEO: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only! CYB3R: We were out of Doritos. ---------
I'm NEO. I'm Delta. I'm HYP3R. I'm Holo. I'm Zip. I'm CYB3R. TEEHEE. --------- NEO: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. Delta: What if it bites me and it dies!? HYP3R: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Delta, learn to listen. Holo: What if it bites itself and I die? Zip: That’s voodoo. CYB3R: What if it bites me and someone else dies? Delta: That’s correlation, not causation. Holo: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die? Zip: That’s.... something NEO: Oh my God. --------- NEO: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world! Delta: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment. HYP3R: More or less, I guess... Holo: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that! Zip: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept. CYB3R: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on! --------- NEO: Rules are made to be broken. Delta: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. HYP3R: Uh, piñatas. Holo: Glow sticks. Zip: Karate boards. CYB3R: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. NEO: Rules. Delta: --------- *Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker* NEO: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. Everyone: Delta: ...I did. I broke it. NEO: No. No you didn't. HYP3R? HYP3R: Don't look at me. Look at Holo. Holo: What?! I didn't break it. HYP3R: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken? Holo: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken. HYP3R: Suspicious. Holo: No, it's not! Zip: If it matters, probably not, but CYB3R was the last one to use it. CYB3R: Liar! I don't even drink that crap! Zip: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier? CYB3R: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Zip! Delta: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, NEO. NEO: No! Who broke it!? Everyone: Zip: NEO... HYP3R's been awfully quiet. HYP3R: rEALLY?! *Everyone starts arguing* NEO, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. NEO: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. NEO: NEO: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here. --------- *The squad is over at NEO's house* Delta: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven? NEO: ... N-No... NEO, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have??? Delta, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought! HYP3R: I see a- NEO, motioning to one device: This is a microwave. Delta: Oh, well I- NEO: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave* NEO, amazed: Its got a bake setting! Holo: Ohoho, you learn something new every day! Zip: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first? NEO: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin! NEO: I am someone who owns four ovens... NEO, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS... NEO: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens... CYB3R, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven! NEO: Delta: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens! NEO: NEO, ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS --------- NEO: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. Delta: ... Your what? NEO: My friends. HYP3R: Are they saying “friends”? Holo: I think they're being sarcastic. Zip: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, NEO! All of your friends are in this room. NEO: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks. --------- NEO: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Delta: Several traffic violations. HYP3R: Three counts of resisting arrest. Holo: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Zip: Also, that’s not our car. --------- NEO: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses. Delta: This knife is actually a magic wand. HYP3R: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel. Holo: *cocks gun* Magic missile. Zip: What the hell is wrong with you people. --------- NEO: Favorite horror movie? Delta: It HYP3R: Saw Holo: Annabelle Zip: High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics --------- NEO: You kidnapped Delta? That’s illegal! HYP3R: But NEO, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Delta, or destroying our dreams? NEO: Kidnapping Delta, HYP3R!!! Holo: NEO, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these guys are counting on you to inspire them! NEO: What, to kidnap people?!?! Holo: To work together! NEO: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!?!?! Zip: NEO, we all agreed a celebrity is a not a people. ---------
