Hey- i-i've vented - what feels like a lot- i uh....i don't know....this one is .....different...i think.... I've always....i've always had that one voice in the back of my brain telling me to just stop. thats all. nothing specific- just- stop. it's never gone away- i've never figured it out. maybe i should stop trying.... another thing.... i feel like i have- so many secrets- so many things i've never told anyone- but i can never think of the secrets i have- i feel...like i forget- everything, when in reality, there was nothing to forget. my dreams have been extreamly vivid- and there not good ones....at all- my family doing things to themselves...that need to be unspoken of on scratch. i here a scream everytime- and it sounds like my moms voice.....i want to have a good relationship with my mom....i do. but i feel like it always comes back to me- and that might be hard to...to understand- but thats the only way i can put it.....it- the guilt- the pain...and the "lost" memories- they're all there- i have 3 memories from my childhood- and thats it. like my dad and mom say "im just growing up and this is just a phase i'll grow out of" but i haven't told them all of this...and im thinking this is'nt a "growing up" thing.....the amount of current trauma im going through right now is crazy...my friend is yelling at me about how horrible her life is- im failing in school....my dad-......were not going there....and litterally im called a failure at school- at least thats what my math, social studies and art teacher say....i feel like my whole life is a simulation right now...and im thinking of all the possibility's.....and not the good ones..... and i don't want to be saved i would rather....just-
i tried to help you...i tried to be there for you, and talk to you, even when i was suffering....still it was never enough for you. NEVER ENOUGH
