i usually don't post this kind of stuff, but it's too much. it's all to much. i don't even know who i am and i'm already getting called out for it. it shouldn't matter. i hate him. i don't care if it's a strong word. i hate him. i hate him so much, but i can't tell anyone. i shouldn't have to put up with it, but i do. AUGH. he makes me feel terrible when i shouldn't. i hate all of it. i want to get away, somewhere far away where nobody cares. but i can't. i'm stuck here, with all of my homophobic family and "friends". not all of them are like him, but it's still too much. yet i can't speak up. nobody would listen, just tell me "it's a phase," and "oh but it's not natural," and "but the bible says this." i don't CARE. i just want someone to realize i shouldn't have to be here, putting up with this crap. but i 'm stuck. if i tell anyone, they'll shun me. i'm surrounded, but so so lonely. my family tells me they love me, but would they still if they knew? if they knew about all the stress i have about keeping it all in? one day i'm gonna slip, and everyone's gonna know, no one will see me the same way. what if they find out I DON'T WANNA BE THEIR STUPID PERFECT DAUGHTER I DON'T WANNA BE STUCK WITH THEM. but what can i do? nothing. but he already knows. he knows and he hates me for it. i hate him back, more than he could know. he makes me feel worthless, like nothing matters. like my worst nightmare has come true, and everyone will leave me, just because i don't wanna be a girl anymore. i'm sick of it. i try to speak out, but i'm silenced for the sake of peace. peace that won't last, and only causes more problems. he says he's leaving, but for how long? until we feel sorry for him again? it's a vicious cycle that i can't get out of... i'm trapped. i'm trapped, with no way out. i'm scred for when they all find out. what will they think? i want to leave, but how? there's no where i can go, except back home. home. it should be a good word, but it's not. it's full of people who hate people like me, and they don't know. it's full of parents who'll judge if you don't agree. it's full of family who don't feel like family. it's full of people that would hate you if they knew who you are. if you're not their perfect daugter, they'll hate. even if you're also their perfect son. he makes it worse. i barely know him, but i've gotten so used to the bullying. i shouldn't i shouldn't have to deal with it, but i do. and now it's too much. it's all too much.
