I've been having family issues and issues with my friends. Time to explain. The one who's moving to the USA, let's call her Jully. She's seemed so upset and sometimes I think she's purposely ignoring me, because I see her online and once my other friend (who's also her friend) sent me a ss of their dms with a laughing emoji. The time was the same time that I messaged her "wanna call?" I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know, I'm sorta selfish, I keep talking about what I like and barely listen to others. Probably just another flaw in me. Pastor's child at church, let's call her Via. Via keeps bullying me, calling me slow and unnatractive. I honestly blame her for me having to do a 15 minute face routine every 6 hours. But it's my fault for being such a cry baby. I need to shut up. She's also been 'stealing' Jully from me. Gosh. I sound like a yandere. Anyways, she also was like "Why isn't Jully here?" or "Did you scare her off again?" Earlier today, Via said "Jully is such a good friend~!" I nodded, and asked her if I was a good friend. She just dodged the question with "Aren't these books so interesting?" why. WHY?! I'M NOT A GOOD FRIEND! Once I was hit with sudden anxiety and depression and started writing in my journal. Jully asked me what was wrong and I said I was fine. Then she said: "If it's something about me, I'm sorry. I can try to fix myself!" She's such a nice girl. And the fact my own stupid self denial caused her to think that just hurt me more than her thinking it was her fault. I have to bottle it up, even though I know it's bad. That's why I have nighttime to myself, right? To cry and let it all out? Next, familial issues. I'm adopted. In case you didn't know. My parents keep arguing. Mainly about me. I feel like a problem. On NEW YEARS DAY. 8AM, THEY WERE ARGUING ABOUT MY SLEEP SCHEDULE! It honestly- I don't know. I keep hiding so much from them and the guilt is so overwhelming I don't know how I'm going to grow up. My parents took me into violin and piano lessons, as well as dance classes. They force me to wear these tight clothes and dresses. I'm more of a tomboy honestly, I like boy things: Boy games, boy shows, boy clothes. My parents got into another argument about my clothing choice. Also, I have a feeling my real parents abandoned me. I feel like they're alive. I just know it. My mom keeps comparing me to her sister and it makes me feel like a failure. I complain when I have 4 things to study and my mom says: "My sister has to study over 6 things. OVER SIX! She stays up all night studying. And you're complaining?" I need to be better. I need to make my parents proud. My cousin, let's call him Nick. Nick has also been taking violin lessons. Recently, he's been practicing with me and my parents. He wasn't showing up our house recently and I asked him why. He said (I'm paraphrasing, here): "Your dad keeps saying ''At this rate and a bit more practice, you'll be as good as Bella!'' or ''You're doing well! Just fix this and that then you'll eventually be at Bella's level''. They keep comparing me to you and it's so frustrating because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough." The fact that me, having a natural talent, and actually sticking with it, had to make someone else think they're not good enough makes me feel like it's my fault. I've been messaging my cousin daily and he isn't responding. I think he hates me. That's it. I just need to get it out.
Music: Family Line - Conan Gray
