It’s just a little sketch I made while listening to Moonlike Smile from Genshin Impact. I wasn’t feeling the best so I decided to just do some sketches. *Slight Vent Under This* I’ve been feeling really tired lately. I’m trying to work on my motivation and my mental health, but I just can’t. I once tried to tell my mom about how I was having bad thoughts and all she said was ‘Well, just don’t do it,” and when I tried to explain she yelled at me. That was last year but it still kind of hurts. Even right now I feel like crying. I try to go to bed early but I never really want to deal with the next day so I stay up late. I showed a relative some of my art and she said it looked pretty, but it won’t ‘pay the bills’. I’ve found it harder to do art now. For a long time, I’ve heard people say to never care about what other people think. It’s unfortunate because for most of my life I relied on other people’s opinions for validation. It’s something I want to work on but I don’t. I actually started drawing and writing mostly for this, I like it, don’t get me wrong, but my main drive is validation. I don’t like compliments. Well, I do, but not on my physical appearance. If it’s about my art, my writing, or something, I’m okay with it. A bit awkward maybe, but I’m okay. But compliments about my body are uncomfortable to me. It’s not because of something happening or anything I was just never complimented on my looks ever in my life. When I was younger someone would say ‘you would look cute if it wasn’t for your weight’ or something similar. Whether it be my hair, height, or weight, they would hate it and because I rely purely on other’s opinions for my own validation, I took those to heart. I don’t get that as often anymore, but I still remember it. My grades haven’t the best. I try to do my best but my motivation is lacking and procrastinate often. I’m horrible at math. I’ve had many breakdowns in that room. At the beginning of the year, I was in third period gym. I never liked that class. Especially this one kid. He was horrible to me, still is. It started back in sixth grade and continued into the grade I’m in now. In sixth he would jump scare me from behind, sometimes even grabbing me. One time he did something to a muscle in my back, causing me pain for the next four days. For the first semester of this grade, he would randomly yell from directly behind me. I don’t like yelling. I had a breakdown. He would also mock me, once even acting as if people should be ashamed for liking me. I wish I could say it doesn’t affect me anymore. Not only that, but he insulted my oldest friend in the same sentence. Recently, a week or two ago, he mocked my name. Not my old name, my real name. Kris, short for Kristen. He and his friends didn’t even try to hide it. I ended up missing my speech because I was so distressed. Again, I run purely on other people’s validation. He and his friends would also tell horrible ‘jokes’ about sensitive topics. The gym teacher scolded him once and never again. This has gone on for a while yet nothing has changed. The only thing being that I don’t see him as much anymore, I switched into first period gym. I’m still affected though. I’m sorry for going on this rant but it’s the best I can do for myself right now.
