my life sucks very much and i really very badly hate it my parents divorced and my dad has narcissistic abuse trauma. its generational and its not his fault, how can i blame him for it. he had a bad childhood. he's insistent that we're all stuck in a terrible system and oh no oh no the system. hes also so obsessed with being healthy. dont eat this youll get fat dont eat that youll gain weight dont eat snacks it's better work out so you stay healthy stop it stop it stop it where do you think i got my eating disorder from cause it didn't just spawn there . i recovered from it finally but no it came back because ugh dysphoria dysphoria dysphoria i dont even know what my gender is. im either trans or nb but i dont even know its just so confusing ugh. i already worried enough about my sexuality but that wasnt worth it literally nobody loves me or they ever will ughhhh. and my dad would probably disown me if i was trans or nb he straight up told me i wasnt bisexual so if it was my gender he'd probably disown me or murder me or something i know he's transphobic and he already loves my little brother way more oh god he would probably never talk to me again and my whole extended family is transphobic it's not worth it. and the worst part is that i cant even talk about anything to anyone . i want to cry constantly but i always say im good im fine and just bam worry about other peoples problems because its easier than worrying about my own because i just ,, physically cant talk to people about it. not even my therapist. not online friends. the only way i can talk about it is venting online . how lame . i just cried because a random comment on youtube said 'To everyone who is trying to sleep, leave the chat, grab a blanket, and get the rest you deserve. ' no stop lying i dont deserve rest i dont deserve anything. i talk about dying and depression and stuff so my friends might see it as a genuine cry for help. i cant ask anyone to help me or even to talk to me seriously about it. i feel super guilty abt bothering people with my problems even tho i literally want to die. i always tell people im good, then get sad that they dont check if im ok. i know its my own fault for lying to them but i just want everyone else to be happy. i dont want to bother them with my own dumb and insignificant problems. im probably a waste of time to them anyway so why bother them. they say they care but no matter how much they say it i know theyre lying and they dont actually care because who would nobody cares and i know they really dont yay, crying and shaking at 2am again
