Written by yours truly and an anonymous school friend Once upon a time, there was a sea monster named Ogorne Salami, who lived in a town where he cared for all the orphans and raised money for them by chopping up meat with his giant copper sword. Every day, he would chop up turkey and cow and unknown creature carcasses for every non-vegetarian in his humble little town (which he traveled through by shrinking himself small enough to slip through the pipes like a slimy little fish, don’t worry, he washes his hands before handling the meat), and every night he’d buy some cheese and potatoes with the meager wages he earns and bring them to the orphans he loved to care for, but couldn’t afford to adopt. One day, however, Dnyawe the god of rocks and minerals (Also known by his nickname, N64, referring to the time eons ago that she slayed 64 ruthless beasts known as Nintenndoes(not copyrighted) ) was strolling through town in mortal form when he saw Ogorne caring for the orphans. Dnyawe’s brow furrowed. He despised children, /especially/ orphans. He followed Ogorne to his shop and saw him chopping meat with his powerful copper sword, and suddenly had an awful idea. //I can’t stand seeing this sea monster care for these… these ORPHANS! I’ll have to take drastic measures if I want it to stop!// And so Dnyawe ducked into a dark alley, dropped to the earth, and swam through the rocks all the way down to his underground lair, a forge filled with cans of whipped cream, cookie tins filled with actual cookies (that had sewing materials baked into them), and giant, sentient olms running around with pickaxes and buckets of burning oil. Dnyawe plopped down on his throne made of cat fur in the middle of the room, and shouted, “OLMS AND OLM-LIKE BEINGS! I NEED YOU ALL TO START CREATING A NEW TYPE OF METAL! IT MUST BE STRONGER THAN COPPER, AND SHINIER THAN SILVER! Also, could one of you bring some cookies over, please? Swimming through rock always builds up my appetite.” N64 leaned back in his cat fur throne, munching a cookie as he watched his servants work through the night.
The next day, Ogorne was setting up his butcher shop for the day when he noticed a peculiar lack of customers. He usually had tons of customers in the morning, but today the little street that his shop was on was completely empty! Ogorne left his post by traveling through the city’s pipes to figure out what had happened, and soon resurfaced in the town square right next to a flier reading: - COOL NEW METAL NOW EXISTS! - THAT’S RIGHT, IRON NOW EXISTS! IT’S GREAT FOR CHOPPING THINGS UP, AND IT’S MUCH STRONGER THAN COPPER! HAVE FUN WITH THIS XOXO -DNYAWE N64 PS: SEA MONSTERS CAN’T TOUCH THIS LMAO. THEY’LL BURN UP IF THEY TRY. When Ogorne saw this, he was furious. An amazing new metal, even better at chopping up carcasses of suspicious origin than copper, and he couldn’t even touch it!? No one would buy chopped goods from someone using inefficient tools! He’d be run out of business, and all the orphans would starve…dun dun duuuun //Waaaiit a minute…// Ogorne froze, connecting the metaphorical dots in his brain currently being encased in a calcium shell inside his head. A new mineral that only sea monsters couldn’t use, letting orphans starve… This had to be the work of Dnyawe, the rock god! After all, Dnyawe not only hated Kale, the god of the sea and creator of all sea monsters, but he ESPECIALLY hated orphans. In fact, now that Ogorne thought about it, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized it a few minutes earlier! Ogorne slid back into the pipes until he was back at his shop, changed the sign to read CLOSED, and slithered off, irate. The next day, Ogorne went to find the nearest temple, slithering through the pipes until he found a large temple made of wood with clouds painted on it. A large sign in front said TEMPLE OF CHEUFOREYAD, THE GOD OF THE SKY. Ogorne was nervous, but he went inside anyways, because he figured this one would work just fine. He walked inside, then dropped to his knees in the middle of the oddly empty temple and started praying to Cheuforeyad. “Hello, great sky god! Please help me provide for myself and the orphans again, for they will surely starve due to this new type of metal putting me out of business!” “Ugh, fine, I’ll help you.” Cheuforeyad materialized in a semi-mortal form before the pathetic looking sea monster. “But first, you have to solve my riddle, which no one has ever gotten right! Light as a feather, there’s nothing in it; but even the strongest man can’t hold it for a minute. What is it? You get three guesses.” Ogorne thought very hard for a few minutes. Cheuforeyad had only agreed to let him have three guesses, so he had to make it count. “Is it a paperclip?” “No.” “Is it a pocketwatch?” “No.” Ogorne stopped, thinking even harder. In fact, after a minute, he realized he was thinking so hard he forgot to breathe, and gasped in some air. Wait, that was it! Ogorne rose to his fin-like excuses for legs, standing proud and tall, and said, “It’s your breath!” “WHAT? No one’s solved that for centuries? How-” Cheuforeyad turned around and took several deep breaths to calm down. “Alright, fine. You said you wanted the new metal that Dnyawe made the other day, iron, to be weakened?” “Well, I didn’t say that specifically, but… Sure! That’ll make everyone switch back to copper, and they’ll agree to buy my services again.” So Cheuforeyad took a small piece of iron and blew on it, and immediately the piece of iron was covered in a rough, flaky reddish-orange corrosion. “Over time, all iron will eventually become like this, useless to everyone. I’ll call this… Hmm… Rust.” Ogorne returned home, ecstatic about this new fundamental change to how metals worked. Soon, people began to return to the streets, complaining about this horrible flaw with the flashy new metal Dnyawe had made. Over time, the town’s residents began to visit Ogorne’s butcher shop far more often than before, and he became rich enough to buy a big house and adopt all the orphans, caring for them and raising them to be the heirs of his butchering empire.
