its 10:30 pm when i posted this and i hit sad boi hours where i start thinking dark things at night. but really. there have been countless of my friends that are going inactive. deleting their accounts. my friends are gone. the people that stood up for me in a fight are gone. most of the entries i do of art have so much hard work put into them, i focus on the same art piece for hours, just for the person that hosted the contest is inactive. i spend so much time on my art,, for people to leave. im so scared of what my parents feel of me. i feel like i have high expectations. i was nice and cleaned up my house for my mom, and she was really happy, but does that matter for all of the times my parent's have yelled at me and slapped me,, and throwing away my things that i paid for? maybe i wasnt the daughter perfect enough for them. i don't really want to be gay. ive had so much problems with my sexuality that is forming on my day-to-day life. i pray that i'm just confused because i don't want anyone to hate me, coming from a christian family. i like guys, but girls are also kinda cute. am i straight? lesbian? bisexual? please, i don't want to seem like im sinning,, and i dont want to hurt my parent's feelings about me. i respect my sexuality, but i have two personalities about it: 1 being YES IM GAY, and 2 being i dont want to, i can't be. i can't for my family. i love girls, but i can't. i'm not allowed. am i okay? my parents don't want to pay for therapy anymore. i really need my therapist right now. i'm so confused. im so hurt. the knives in the kitchen are really enticing. oh my gosh, am i ranting to much to my friends? am i dramatic? do i seem dramatic? what do other people think of me? am i okay? i dislike my vents. i feel like i'm writing or drawing something that people would assume im just overreacting. i might be overreacting. im scared of going in public. im scared of failure. im scared if all of my friends are vent friends. i'm pretty sure i just have social anxiety, and not ANXIETY. im scared about the friends i love most. they both are having so much pain in their life, and i'm just adding to it. im scared if i'm writing to much. i need a minute.
