OK I'M IN A RUSH RN SO ILL MAKE THIS LOOK PRETTY LATER BUT ANYWAYS ENJOY
“Tess, I know it’s you,” echoed a voice from somewhere distant. It hummed in the silence of my mind that I suffocated in and filled my lungs with the breath I so desperately longed for. A light flickered in the darkness, illuminating my cold prison cell. Its warmth drew me near, and I closed my trembling fingers around the soft glow it emitted. A feeling, touch, perhaps, tingled my arm subtly. The tingling grew rapidly before all of my senses were ignited and the murky waters I waded in cleared to reveal the rainy night-time city on a quiet street. “Tess”. Sticky tears stained my face. My own? No, my eyes were dry. “Tess!” Maya. My limbs, which I hadn’t realised had been flailing, stilled at once. I sank into my dear friend’s embrace and pulled her close. Memories, crushing realities flooded into my brain all too fast. I tried to push them away but the sudden mental agony was relentless. I wailed, the sound of my voice somehow unfamiliar to me. “It’s okay. Sleep now”. And I felt my dreams consume me, carrying me away to a safer place. ? In my nightmares, the horrors I was responsible for haunted me. Limp bodies, blinding anger, and screaming that still tore through my eardrums even now. My fists red with blood. Words that weren’t my own spilling out of my mouth. It wasn’t me, I know that. But that doesn’t make it any less real. I still let the anger take over. Let it take over. And it destroyed me, and everyone I hold dear to me. At some point, I had awoken, but I couldn’t stand to face anyone yet. They wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t even begin to comprehend the kind of situation I was in. A knock sounded at the door, and before I could detest it, it creaked open and the loving face of my mother peeked through. “Tess? Tess, it’s okay my beautiful baby girl. Nobody blames you for what happened,” started her sweet voice, and my body relaxed at the sound of it. “Somebody is here to see you. He’s a behavioural therapist. He can help you”. Before I had time to process what she had said, a male voice chimed from the hallway. “Ms Teresa? If you’re ready, you can come out into the dining area and we can discuss some things together”. A behavioural therapist, huh? I managed to grunt in agreement. I dragged myself from under my covers, flinching at the sight of myself in the mirror. I had a couple of cuts and bruises here and there, sure, but other than that? I looked normal. Nothing like the horrendous monster I had been envisioning. My mid-brown hair still framed my oval face with loose curls, accenting my wide amber eyes with flecks of gold sprinkled throughout. Within a moment I found myself reaching for my favourite baggy t-shirt that somehow brought me comfort in hard times and after giving my hair a quick brush I reached for the doorknob. But, something was bothering me. I needed to go talk to Maya. And so I pulled my hand back from the handle and walked towards the window instead. It made a loud creek, and, wincing, I stepped into the spring breeze that was gently passing by. ? Maya was the kind of friend whose home was always open to you. I sent her a quick text that I was coming over, but that was all. She greeted me at the door, and we walked through to her room. Silence surrounded us, before I mustered up the courage to utter, “The by-standers. Did I kill them?” She studied me for a second, as if unsure of how I might take the response. Each second we sat there piled up on my shoulders, fear creeping in before she finally said, “One person. One person, that’s it. The rest got away with just minor injuries”. I felt bitterness fill every fiber of my being, disgust, hatred towards myself. I shrank into a pit of darkness there on her bed, and she wrapped her arms around me. Sobbing, I barely heard her say, “Tess, it’s okay now. Nobody can blame you. If we just…”. I was going to have to face things I couldn’t even imagine. Police sirens, court rooms, jail… I was only 16! How on Earth was I supposed to deal with things I couldn’t even control! “Tess, I think I know what you have,” Maya said, filling the silence. “What do you mean ‘what I have?’ Am I sick or something?” I jabbed with a hint of accusation. “Well, that depends on who you ask,” she replied somewhat warily. “It’s… a disorder. A rare one, and… it’s pretty extreme in your case. Bipolar disorder. You have two people living inside of you. It can be used as a defence in court, if it ever comes to that… which, it will, but… the police agreed to lay off for awhile”. Bipolar disorder, huh? I’d heard of it, but… It’d never crossed my mind that that was what I was facing. It made sense now, hearing it spoken out loud. And, in Maya’s presence, I felt assured that she would stick by me when I needed it. My heavy eyelids closed, and sleep overcame my tormented mind. Peaceful dreams blessed me, and I saw a horizon that was far more beautiful than what I’d left behind. I was bipolar, but that wasn’t going to stop me.
