Read the notes below TW: self h@t3, depression, anxiety, caps lock, swears (bleeped out though)
Once upon a time, (because all stories start with once upon a time) there was a girl. Normal girl with blue eyes and blond hair with a flair for writing, and a love of the dramatic. As she grew, she lost friends and gained them, and held her head high as she preached truths that only some believed. "Women's rights are human's rights," "Black lives matter," "Love is love," Her classmates respected her though. And she got used to it. She wrote with her best friend, and laughed with her other one. She held her head high, even when she failed math. But then it all changed. ************************************************************** (I walk the halls of this place I hate, my face broken and unnapealing. They don't like me. They don't like me. And sometimes...I don't like me either.) The girl with the glasses and the pretty smile sat down next to me. She's bisexual and just gorgeous. She's funny and smart, and I would like to be her friend. Or maybe more than that. She becomes my best friend, my secret lover, my girlfriend. When I'm with her, the world seems my pace. Nothing is too big to conquer. (The popular girls find out. With their sneers and raucous voices, they force my heart into the pit of my stomach. I don't want this. I don't want this. They taunt me. "You're a lesbian, lol. Don't kiss me!) The girl I love makes everything better. She and I go to the Queer Youth Club. I share everything that happened with a kind boy who will later become a wonderful friend. I bike with my girlfriend through the suffocating world that I live in. I tell her of my hopes and fears. Of my dreams and how much I wish I could escape. I trust her. (Big mistake, 1d10t.) I grow close to that wonderful boy. He's older, and knows much more than me. And I love him. But not as love, love. As in a brother. A friend. (And then my mind goes blank. Out of the blue, my girlfriend has stopped talking to me. Her glances are as sharp as cut glass. And when I ask her what's wrong, she manipulates me. She gives me an answer that I cannot de-cipher. A puzzle I cannot crack. From what I gather, she was jealous. Jealous of that wonderful boy. I cannot think anymore. I move through the walls of my prison with the attitude of a slug. I don't want to l1v3 anymore. In my journals I write over and over: YOU SVcK. AS IF ANYONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU, YOU SELFISH LITTLE B*****. SHE WAS RIGHT TO GHOST YOU. NOBODY WANTS YOU. YOU'RE PATHETIC. JUST GO D13! I HA T 3 MYSELF. I HA T 3 MYSELF. WHY DO I SMILE WHEN I FEEL LIKE CRYING. BECAUSE IM STUP1D THATS WHY. (Atticus once said "We drink the poison our mind pours for us, and wonder why we feel so sick." But I did not know of that phrase then. Perhaps if I did, life would've made more sense.) (I apologized to my girlfriend. She continues to give me cold stares, and says rude things about me in group chats. I feel happier. I convince myself I'm happier. But I'm not. This is just a mask. Just a facade I've created for my own being. I am not charismatic. I am not confident. But to everyone else, I am "happy." And 100% out, because the popular girls have told everyone. Yay!) (My thoughts are not my own anymore. They used to flow freely but now, they're condensed. I feel d3ad inside all. the. time.) (My mind has told me over and over that I am just another person in the background, and I have started to believe it.) But I don't have to anymore. I don't need to be stuck to my ex-girlfriend. I don't need to be stuck to the same outfit anymore because I'm worried about what people say. I am NOT another person in the background. I am a fv**ing DOVE, and I will fly.
