❝ There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ❞ Emptiness. Loss. Grief. Guilt. The tom had felt these all before. You would think maybe after going through as much as he had you might be numb to the pain. Bellflowercharm was not numb. Bellflowercharm had never been numb. Not when his mother had passed away, not when he lost his mate, not when his own sister had brought him within an inch of his life. He had felt it all. ‘Surely it couldn't get worse than that?’ He had told himself foolishly. Tempting fate. Then his very own son died in his paws. His world had come crumbling down around him. The loss of a child was something he had hoped he would never have to bear. It had been unexpected, as many cats he loved had gone. So unexpected, in fact, that Bellflowercharm had been asleep. He had been /asleep/ when his grandson had come to camp frantically searching for someone to help his father. It hadn’t been until the cats had returned that the commotion had woken him up. What he had seen when he left the den would forever burn a hole through his heart. Reindeersand. His beloved little deer. His cherished son. Dying. Right there in front of him. He felt completely and utterly helpless. Useless. /Bad father/ Bellflowercharm, lost in his head, hadn’t realized he was walking. Hadn’t realized until his head breached the camp's exit tunnel and moon light washed over him. His fur, normally turned silver in the light, was dull, uncared for. He laughed without happiness at what Eveningsnooze’s reaction would have been. They would be outraged that his pelt had gotten so dirty, they probably would have helped him groom themself. But they were gone. Another cat lost to only continue living in his memories. Who else had been taken from him in the past several moons? Corollahaze was one of the first losses that came to mind. Bellflowercharm had conflicted feelings about her death. He hadn’t really grieved for his ex-sister-inlaw, the only cat for a long time that he had ever held a grudge against. He had felt guilt more than anything. Guilt that he had held onto those negative feelings for her. As he delved deeper into the painful emotions Bellflowercharm felt sick to his stomach at a sudden realization. Otterbounce was expecting. He was going to be a father once more. Terrible thoughts filled his mind. What if he failed them, too? What if Reindeersand’s death was a sign that maybe the tom just wasn’t cut-out to be a father anymore? He hated that thought more than anything. If there was one thing Bellflowercharm loved it was getting to be a father. He held all his children close to his heart. His paws led him as he wandered the desert. Tears threatened to breach his eyes with every passing moment as he sunk deeper and deeper with the cage that was his grieving mind. Only when he heard the soft rushing sound of waves did his eyes focus in on his surroundings. He felt a breath catch in his lungs. He was at the beach. His eyes traveled the shore until they stopped on one thing. A boulder. Something that might appear as simply a large rock to anyone else. But to him? It was the very place Reindeersand had asked him that fateful question. “I already look up to you as a stable figure in my life.. and you make me feel safe when I’m around you, like a little kitten again. Would I be able to call you my father?” Those words had been part of the beginning of a relationship he held dear to him. Reindeersand chose /him/. And he, in turn, chose Reindeersand. The tears spilled then, getting washed away as they landed and mixed in with the sea. Bellflowercharm climbed up the large rock and looked over the moon reflecting water. As more and more tears spilled down his cheeks a small, tired smile formed on his muzzle. He would grieve, yes, but he knew Reindeersand would not want him to give up. He would want him to keep going despite his passing, ever watching over his father from wherever he might be. That thought brought some peace to the scrambled mind of the old tom-cat. He would honor his eldest son and would one day see him again but until then, he would continue to take care of the children that were here with him /now/ and the ones soon to come. For Reindeersand. For his little deer. ❝ Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow. ❞
