Why cats are evil

Instructions

Cats don't understand 'no' Let's be real here. Cats have an attitude problem. No other animals are as moody, temperamental or as difficult to please as cats. You might think you're investing all that time and energy into building a beautiful relationship with your pet. You aren't. Your cat has absolutely no interest in you as a person. You won't be able to train your cat, and they don't have any loyalty to you. This is because cats are naturally unresponsive to punishment; they only respond to praise and rewards. So no matter how many times you spray Mr Bojangles with water for clawing the sofa, he'll never learn. Cats are arrogant They definitely have a bad attitude, but even worse, they think they're better than you. They prance around like they own the place, peeing everywhere and expecting you to clean it up for them. They know you will wait on them hand and foot and provide them with a constant supply of food. If a human treated you like that, would you accept it? Of course not. Cats are manipulative You probably know that cats purr. An interesting fact that you might not know is that cats also have a “cry” which they use to manipulate humans. This cry is strikingly similar to the cry of a baby or a small child, and humans are programmed to respond to this and try to help. If anything, this proves that even cats know they are evil creatures, and they have to impersonate our children to try and manipulate us into doing their bidding. Cats make you more stupid Okay, it’s not cats themselves that make you more stupid. It’s the cat videos. The average person has probably spent 7,638 hours watching cat videos. And by spent, I mean wasted. What do you have to show for those hours? Maybe a shortcut to the cutest cat video on the internet, but nothing of real value. You could have read 300 life-changing books in that time, gone on 47 enlightening walks through nature, had countless deep and meaningful conversations with friends and family. It’s not the internet that is ruining our brains, it’s cat videos. Mindless, dull, repetitive and completely devoid of any value, these are the bane of my life and I can’t understand why anyone wants to waste their time watching them. Cats won’t make eye contact with you If they accidentally do lock eyes with you, they will blink and narrow their eyes in an evil-villain-caught-in-the-midst-of-a-dastardly-plan-type way. If that’s not sketchy, I don’t know what is. Cats think you are completely incapable That’s right, cats think you are stupid. They hunt and bring you dead animals (we’ll get to their sadistic, murderous instincts in a moment), because they think you are too stupid to catch a bird or a mouse on your own. So, not only do you want to share your bed with an oversized rodent, you praise it for bringing smaller, dead (or half-dead) rodents into your house. Nice. Cats are murdering monsters As mentioned above, they like to kill other animals. For fun. Considering cat lovers are so vocal about their love for all things cute and fluffy, it seems strange that people are happy to ignore the fact that cats are tyrants who pick on mice, birds and other creatures. Not only do they kill them (to arrogantly show you that they’re better than you), they usually play with their prey, torturing the poor animals before a slow and painful death. That doesn't sound like cute kitty behaviour to me. That sounds more like ISIS-style terrorism. Cats are the pet of choice for evil villains Cats and evil villains go together like milk and cookies. Some famous examples include Dr Evil from the Austin Powers movie series, with his ugly cat Mr Bigglesworth, Gargamel and Azrael from the Smurfs, and even in the Harry Potter series, caretaker Filch has his own snitching sidekick in the form of Mrs Norris. Cats think they own you At this point some of you may be declaring that cats love to cuddle you, and love to have their bellies rubbed, and that they brush up against you because they are just oh-so affectionate. Wrong. Cats, like a lot of animals, release scents, and these scents send signals to other cats and other animals. Essentially, when a cat is rubbing up against you or lying in your lap, it doesn't want affection, it is marking you as its property. Yup, you just got owned.