13+ recommended. (cry) i rock back and forth, the tears beginning to fall she doesn’t notice at all or if she does she doesn’t care either way these tears are mine alone to bear i messed up, i know i swear from this mistake i’ll grow she didn’t have to come here and shout i know i deserved it, but it still made me cry my heart out these tears are silent so no one knows they exist i wish i could keep them in, but that they resist now my eyes are red and dry and i wish i wouldn’t ever cry —x—x—x—x— you bite your lip and rock back and forth, a single tear escaping and rolling down your cheek. she doesn’t appear to notice, not even when you wipe your face—in vain, because several others soon follow the first tear. she just continues shouting; well, perhaps not shouting, exactly, more of a slightly raised voice. you know you messed up, that you made a mistake, but you wish she would at least try to be calmer; the utter panic you felt when she slammed your bedroom door open is not a feeling you want to ever feel again. you deserve it, though, the shouting and the panic. she has a reason to be angry, to be annoyed; you, on the other hand, have no reason to be crying. you’re the one at fault here, not her. you need to come to terms with that; a lot of things only happen because you messed up, not someone else. the tears come full force after she leaves. you cry silently, not wanting anyone to hear you. it wouldn’t do any good for anyone to know she was the reason you’re crying. you wish you wouldn’t cry at all, that you were strong enough to keep it in, but your tears elude capture and continue to run down your face. —x—x—x—x— i bite my lip, try not to scream my life is a nightmare instead of a dream everything i do comes out wrong i can only hope it’ll be over before long i get that i messed up but you’re leaving me with a broken soul a half empty cup and eyes, once bright, now dull please don’t shout at me i know the fault is mine but can you please just leave me be if i need you, i’ll send a sign —x—x—x—x— you want to know why i play my music so loud? fine. it’s so i can lose myself, and lose all of you too. so i don’t have to deal with whatever’s going on. so i can pretend that i’m alone in this world. so i can pretend i’m not in this world. so i can be on another world, where there’s nothing but the music. nothing but loud, pulsing beats that block everything else out, leaving no room for thoughts or emotions. in short, i play my music so loud so i can forget about everything that hurts, namely this family and the fact i’m still alive.
semi-old vent in the form of writing <3
