He'd been doing so good lately, hiding it. Hiding those pains in his chest. Those pricks in his eyes. The stiffness in his joints. He hid it all. Under an ever-present facade of happiness, just how he'd hidden his discomfort in ShadowClan, right up until he went on his journey. He should have known better. Should have told someone, because now it was too late. He knew that, lying here on the cold frosted ground. He was going to die. He'd only wanted to take one more patrol. One more evening stroll. Maybe catch another hawk. He'd only wanted to feel like himself again. Maybe in StarClan, he would. He'd miss Umbrasymphony most, he thought. But he's not worried about her. She has Swabmelody and Quailpaw and everyone else. /She's strong. She'll be alright./ And Secretshatter. He felt a different kind of pang in his chest, one that was just for her. He loved her and he knew it and he should have told her. Now, he never would. There were others he'd miss too. Snugglesnap. Duskmarch. Swabmelody. Dreamerweave. Cherrykit. Hailwhisper. Cloudbumble and Mapledove and everyone else. There wasn't one cat he'd met that he /wouldn't/ miss, actually. Maybe he could meet up with Exordiumjubilation again, in StarClan. He knew now that his hatred for the tomcat had been unnecessary. He wished he'd known it sooner. He wasn't bitter anymore, he found. Not just to Exordiumjubilation but also to Tarragonflair. Dayspringpaw. Dewpaw. Miragestar. Snoozestar, Shadeblossom, Jackalrite. His own parents. None of them deserved his hate. No one deserved hate at all, really. And as he forgave these cats he forgave himself and he felt himself become lighter. Lighter and lighter and then he was floating. And that was the last feeling Gloamingcrest would ever witness. -- I tried to do this earlier, when Gloamingpaw was an apprentice, and for that month or so that I was gone I felt so much better. But I kept feeling guilty. Guilty that I'd disappeared, yes, but even more so I felt guilty that Gloamingpaw was missing out on his life, that he'd never gotten to become a warrior. So I came back and I rewrote him. I wanted him to be happy, because I thought it would help /me/ enjoy roleplaying him. It didn't. It just felt fake, and it makes me even more guilty because it screwed up his character for almost no reason. Where was that cat that I was chosen because of? Citrus said it themself, my personality for him was what got me Gloamingkit. So why did I ruin it? The truth is that I was never too attached to him, and I hate it and I hate myself for it. But last summer when I came in second place for Crescentkit, I knew I needed to set my sights on a new kit, and fast. I clicked on the first ShadowClan litter. I picked Gloamingkit because he had hardly any applicants, not because I felt like I'd be a good fit for him. He has a beautiful design and he was full of potential... but I ruined it. And I don't want him to live like this anymore. Because if /I/ were in his paws, controlled by an impulsive kid who gave him a personality like mud that consistently changed, who never responded to roleplays, who made him hold grudges completely at random all because she wanted to be entertained? Idk. But he doesn't deserve this and never did, and I hope that I don't deserve to be stuck here because of a cat I didn't want. I ended this with happiness, because I know that's what he deserves. I hope that it's what he felt in all the moments of his life that were oorp, and I hope he's happy to finally be free of me <3
