hi hi! i’ve finally finished your critique ^^" overall great job on this piece, it was stunning <33 ( everything in brackets is quotes from the writing ) [ and the circle of metal on his chest radiated cold. ] when i first read this i was slightly confused, and to be honest, i initially thought Rome was a robot or some kind of machine. of course, i ended up realizing what the circle of metal was, but making this more clear at the start might help the reader understand what you’re talking about instead of clearing it up later on (though this could just be personal preference) [ Once it lasted over a month with no sign of improvement, his mother had looked anyway. “You have three months,” she’d said, fingers brushing back his hair more gently than ever. ] i feel like when his mother ‘looked anyway’, it sounds evil almost? then when you transition to gentle and kind, it throws me off a bit. maybe if you make it so that instead, his father is ‘peeking’ or ‘checking’ and his mother is gentle, it would give off less of an “evil” feeling. (once again, this could be something weird that i only am noticing haha) [ Both thoughts were as dark and cold as the winter. ] i love all of the connections to winter, especially this line ahhh <33 [ His death was preordained, inscribed in the clock that lay above his heart. ] another line that i absolutely love :00 [ He would not spend his last days in bed, no matter how much his lungs—or his mother—protested. ] i feel like amidst all the sadness in this piece, this line brings a nice touch of comedy (not sure if you intended it that way but it made me smile [ Rome liked the birds, but he’d always thought it strange that God had given penguins wings that didn’t work right. It gave him a sort of kinship with them, he supposed. Rome, the boy with the broken lungs. The snow had claimed him, too. ] oh my goodness yes. another winter / snow connection, and the first line in this is probably my favorite one in your piece <3 amazing. i like how you balanced out the dialogue and narrative in the next few paragraphs. it makes it so that one side isn’t overly used and has nice flow! overall, this piece is excellent and i love the plot and the way you portrayed it. you’ve done a great job and i wish you luck on the writing comp if you choose to enter hehe <33 ( 269 words <3 )
