Why did I make this— TRIGGER WARNING (More will be coming, without any doubt.) So.. something has been on my mind lately What is there to do anymore anyway?! Keep suffering?! Why?! Why did I deserve this?! I need to seek help, but I have PSTD from the hospital! I can’t go! I’m scared! It’s been very hard then *they* aren’t here to help me. I love them so much and ever since their phone was confiscated I broke! I can’t eat without puking… I can’t even mention them without having a breakdown?! Somehow I feel it’s still my fault even though I did nothing!!! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!!!! WHY IS IT THAT I AM SO SKEPTICAL AND HOSTILE?! Just a simple “what are you doing?” Makes me afraid! Someone random girl asked me if I wanted a candy and I asked if it was POISONED?!? What is wrong with me?! I can’t even trust anyone! Everything is a lie. A trick even. Leaving forever seemed to be my only option. WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?! Everything that used to give me joy does nothing! Might as well give up art and get into politics HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (I’m joking) THIS JUST SHOWS HOW INSANE I AM! To even think this?! It’s not even humorous anymore! It’s plain insanity! You can punch, kick, hook, me…. But you could never damage me as much as they did…AND THEY DIDNT EVEN MEAN IT! Guys… I cant— AND APPARENTLY ITS MY FAULT IM LIKE THIS?! Trying to tell my parents is of NO effect! They don’t care!!! I say I can’t control it, they say “yes you can” NO I CANT! I REALLY CANT! Being at a catholic school makes it 10 times worse too…. Especially because I’m not catholic. Everyone here hates you if you aren’t up to their standards! It’s not my fault! I was raised this way, being pan is not a choice, I have triggers that I can’t control, I have an accent?! What kind of blasphemy is that? You put me down like I can change myself! I CANT! Parents made me change my code, checked my dis and msgs… I don’t even know what to do now… I let myself go Um. Well. I. Don’t. Know. What. To. Say. Anymore? (JUST KIDDING. I know exactly) I’ve been without therapy for a few months now…I just got a therapist (09 of December 2023) but the previous.. uh 2 months have been hitting rock bottom, no.. BEDROCK bottom. (For my Minecraft players) haha. Bad stuff has been happening to me… my grades are slowly declining when I was a straight A student and it’s making my parents mad.. THEY aren’t coming back anytime soon..(I think) and I don’t know how to feel anymore. I’m kind of numb about it, but I think strong feelings are coming back- we have been partners for about 8 months now, and we’ve known eachother for about 10. They were both the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. I can’t describe, but here are some songs that can…. Судно - Молчат Дома Тоска - Молчат Дома The cut that always bleeds - Conan gray Romantic Homicide - d4vd My Alcoholic friends - The Dresden Dolls Show & tell - Melanie Martinez The red means I love you - Madds Buckley Feel better - Penelope Scott (Guys there’s a guy who looks like mark heathcliff in my class) Im leaving. This is it. So I was saved. Yay (?) I’ll tell you the story after this short announcement You may have noticed That I have been gone for quite a while, it is because I am changing back to homeschool. This means I will be posting less often and maybe leaving for unidentified amounts of time. Okay so here is my story When I said “this is it” I meant it, so I did take action on it and all. I was found and sent to the emergency room from there I was injected with some stuff and transferred to a different hospital where I stayed for 4 days. I have liver complications because of what happened (and other reasons) but it’s not that bad.. so I guess I am back to normal physical health wise (?) That’s all.
