Critique for @pixzunami 288 words, after subtracting quotes. Ok, first of all, this is great! The writing here draws me in and the emotions are all very vivid- I see the bidaily this was for is about metaphors/figurative language and this is a great example of it. I would like to see a tiny bit more description of what’s happening in the present for these characters, though, especially towards the beginning. It’s mentioned that he “crumples to the sands,” are they on a beach or a desert, or something else entirely? Why is the POV character dying, what led up to this scene (during say, the past 5 minutes of the characters lives)? I think you mentioned this being part of a novel, so those questions may already be answered within the wider context- with a standalone piece, it is nice to see those things mentioned though :) A few tiny grammar notes- in the 9th paragraph, at “he lets out a small, pitiful chuckle,” ‘he’ should be capitalized since the dialogue before it ends in a period. At the end of the tenth paragraph- “for not all could have the luxury of finally meeting your other side.” I’m not sure who ‘your’ is referring to, maybe I’m missing something but I’m guessing that was supposed to be ‘his’ instead? Finally, the very last line: “and my eyes began to flutter shut for the final time… of forever.” The word ‘of’ seems unnecessary there, so I’d edit that out. Removing both that and ‘forever’ could work as well, since ‘for the final time’ already implies that. I think you mentioned this being part of a novel, and I’d totally read it if it was ever published- there’s so many hints to other things happening that I’m fascinated by. Millions of lives? “Lord of our supposed enemies”? I am intrigued. For a full length novel, having so much metaphor and description could slow down the pacing a lot- but for a shorter piece/feature scene I think it works great. Oh and also- I definitely don't think that scene hints at something too inappropriate. I did try just skimming over the whole thing first to see if it jumped out and I can sorta get that then, but while actually reading it didn't seem that way at all.
