trigger warning!! this project contains mentions of death, a minor swear, and angry use of caps lock. do not proceed further if you are sensitive to this subject matter. as a note: this project takes place in heritagepride's perspective, about six hours after esperanza's death. ______________________________________________ i walk through riverclan territory. its been too long. too long since I met with esperanza. what happened? did she not want to see me any more? unlikely. but possible? or maybe she didn’t have time for you, heritagepride!! you’ve been in camp training an apprentice and doing a whole lot of nothing, so maybe i didn’t have time for her either. well anyways, i want to see her. I want to see her for the sheer point of just seeing her. that she-cat’s energy is infectious; bright as the sun. i can’t help but be happy around my best friend. i don’t want to confuse her with warrior nonsense. getting an apprentice isn’t a worth-it enough update to confuse her over. i just want to see her. and talk to her. i continue to traverse (ugh, i hate that word. sounds so fancy for no reason, but whatever) the sands, not giving a mouse-tail for how they feel on my paws or any of that stuff i usually pay way too much attention to. i just miss her, ya know? the way you miss a friend. the way you miss a friend you haven’t seen in moons, but a friend you’ve known since practically kithood. ugh. why does that seem like a not-enough description for her?? a best friend. how does that sound, better? nope. still not enough for my mind, apparently. ugh. fine, brain, i’ll admit it. C R U S H she’s my crush. i like her. i wish we lived in the same place so i could spend time with her every day. yeah, mostly i miss her. i miss her romantically, (another word i hate. just another box. I hate boxes unless i define them for myself.) i guess. are you satisfied now, brain? OK, i can actually go find her now. thanks for slowing me down, myself. ugh, i talk to myself too much. well, whatever. i need to find her. WHAT W H A T W H A T what the hell. the river near the border. i smell her scent in the water. her pretty – no, that’s an understatement – her amazing floral scent. muddled with darkness. something’s not right. very, very not right. one could even go to say wrong, though semantics weren’t my goal currently. i follow the water. a tuft of her fur. a glint of sunstone from the gift i got her after my ceremony. a dried-out petal from yet another gift that i gave her. a scent shrouded these things. a scent with an absence of life. filling the river. i followed the stream down to the docks that ess had showed me, which led into the ocean. and there she was, no life in her empty vessel of a body. just, there. not alive. high tide, washed up, unmoving, fur soaking. i was never a seafarer, unlike some of my family. but this made it worse. she was gone. i could have said GOODBYE. I COULD HAVE VISITED HER MORE OFTEN. I COULD’VE TOLD HER HOW I FELT. i could’ve come back to the edge of the forest. it didn’t work out that once, but that was ‘cause of my expectations of the place. i could’ve spent more time with her. i could’ve visited busy bee haven every quarter moon. i could’ve told her how i felt. but now, no. now _ _ _’_ _ _ _ _ <LETTER SELECT> S _ _’S _ _ _ _ S _ E’S _ _ _ E S H E’S _ _ _ E S H E’S G _ N E S H E ’S G O NE gone. /ɡôn/ [verb] no longer present; departed. esperanza was gone. the living world didn’t deserve her. i didn’t deserve her. but she was here. and now …………….… she’s not. the sun has set, i guess. and just when i realized the dumb little box i could put my relationship with her into. just when i realized i like her. did she even like me? as a friend, or like i liked her? she seemed happy when she was with me. but maybe she was faking it. i wasn’t worthy of her. i was jealous and impulsive to her. she only responded with kindness. she was amazing. i’ll never know how she felt or if she cared about riverclan and if she missed me. but of course she did. she was sunlight, breaking her way into the mortal realm. but she couldn’t stay long, i guess. where was she now? could she see me here? likely not. she was forced out of this mortal realm for a reason. i…i…i don’t know what THAT REASON IS. she shouldn’t have left so soon. OR AT ALL, IF SHE COULD HELP IT. (cont. below)
(cont'd) the hot tears flowed down my face, now. i don’t know when they started. i was still staring at the water. i moved without thinking, still breathing the horrifying scent of death. i scooped a sunstone off of the bank; the crystal roughened by the currant. i didn’t know what i was doing. so i just held it, trapped under my claws. held it as i was staring angrily at the water that flooded the sunlight out of this world. those boxes were definite, no movement able to be seen in their definitions. you know which ones i’m talking about. [ALIVE] [DEAD] me. esperanza… and that is all. i was never a seafarer. esperanza was the one who taught me how to swim. the passage of time was too fast. ess is not coming back. i couldn’t even say ‘bye’ ……………………………………………………………. i have no idea how long i stayed in this same spot. i just, sat there. i just sat there, crying. i wasn’t even respectful enough to bury her with what was left of her belongings. i couldn’t. i wasn’t able to do anything besides miss her. GOODBYE, ESPERANZA. GOODBYE. _____________________________________________ so yeah!! healthy dose of trauma for the heirbean. buh-bye guppy, have a good life outside of scratch. good-bye espy, you made heir happy </33 please give my child emotional support also ya i wrote this in first person because i usually rp in third and its interesting to see that my child talks in all lowercase lol song : the ocean breathes salty writing : @9812880slams (inspired by other various rpers) crappy 5min doodle : @9812880slams
