Let's have a talk...

Instructions

Alright, so, we need to talk... Recently I've been going through Gender Dysphoria, which basically means, in a short answer, to struggle with finding out your gender identity. It's common enough, so I wasn't really surprised when I found out I had it. It made sense, a Genderfluid having it made sense. However, and this isn't final, I don't think I'm Genderfluid and Panromantic. Asexual; probably. That still hasn't changed, but I've been thinking recently, and this may change, but I think I have a good idea of what I am, and I hope that y'all will support me. Before I tell y'all exactly what I am, I need to tell y'all something. I have a very Transphobic and Homophobic (Queerphobic in other words) family that would most likely not accept me. They're all very old-fashioned (considering one comes BEFORE boomers), so if I this sounds weird in some way in any point through, please ask and tell me about it, because I don't know a lot, considering that my family doesn't even know that I know what Queer means. (Not a joke!) (Also I'm listening to Dancing with Your Shadows by Phillip Phillips, 10/10, would recommend.) Now, enough stalling (I'm nervous about this, in case you couldn't tell), I have to say this at some point. Let's start at the beginning. I was in 2nd grade. Just a normal 7 year old girl playing with her little friends. But, one day, my mom and I were arguing (I had an anger-issued friend at the time who was rubbing off of me). She brought up how all of my friends were boys. I realized that I couldn't say otherwise. I had one other friend who was a girl, but that was all. I eventually found a friend group for about a year. It consisted of a mix, but I ended up falling for my friend I talked about a second ago. We'll call him...hm...oh, I know! N! I confessed to him, and he played it off as a joke. I also fell for another guy who I 'dated' (this was in 3rd grade btw lol, I was 8) for about 6-7 months maybe? We'll call him Henry (none of these are real names btw, so don't you dare report for sharing private info, if they ever see this, they probably won't even know it's me!) Yes, we broke up lol. -_-. I ended it. 4th grade came, and that's when I learned things that I wouldn't've ever learned before. I learned about Gays. Now, yes, I'd heard about them before, but it was in a different light. I'd always been taught that they were bad, but then I started seeing them as a positive thing. I was confused. I never asked my mom about it as a confused 9 year old. I started doing research and was like 'oh, so I'm...not normal?' (Of course it's normal btw past me to not be straight and to be straight! It's fine either way! Both are valid :) ) I thought I was Bi. Like, Bisexual. I thought this because I was like 'Oh, well, Idrc'. Of course, now I don't think this. I didn't actually know much about gender and gender identities. (I also thought up until 6th grade that Pansexual and Bisexual were the same thing but Pansexual was just with personalities, which isn't true. Bi means that you'll date more than the opposite gender, but not all genders, and Pan means that you don't rlly care about gender.) I also thought I was Pan because of what I just explained above. I started falling for a girl the next year irl. Or at least, I thought. I thought that I liked this girl named Al (fake name yet again Scratch!) She was part of my old friend group, but I thought that I'd fallen for her. Spoiler alert, it was just admiration, not love. Looking back on it, I realize now that it was just admiration, nothing more, never would've been anything more. It was the whole reason that I stuck with the 'Bi-Pan' identity. Another girl named Vee (fake name, c'mon now!) is the same case. I thought I fell in love, but it was just admiration. I admired her and I wish her well for wherever she is. A part of me also thinks that it was guilt because she was being...uh, treated badly at home is all I can say w/o getting this taken down, srry. Ppl old enough will most likely know what I mean. I'd fallen for a boy again though in that same year. His name was Michael (fake name .-'.). I crushed on him, but was rejected. (You can start telling that I was a big hopeless romantic lol, I've changed some though, still a $!mp.) - (Look, you don't know how much I don't wanna get this taken down XD) In 6th grade, I crushed on ANOTHER guy. He was my super best-friend. I didn't realize it until my Winter break, when I was online, and out of nowhere I was like *I miss [beep]*, and that was when I realized. I asked him out and now we've been together for 295 days (I saved it because it was the school dance that I put in my calendar on my phone so I wouldn't forget that week was the night I was gonna ask him out.) 295 = almost 10 months ^^ (description ran out)