A Time for Grief ⚘ Memorymerit Self-roleplay All was dark over the dunes and streams of RiverClan's sprawling land. Evening approached, the horizon aflame with dimming scarlet shades. Illuminated only by the dim glow of moonlight, a lone warrior darted from the exit of camp, throwing away confinement and embracing the open freedom of the rushing wind. The sightless feline had run before in the past, but never like this. She was running to escape, well, everything. Her heart thrummed, synchronous with her rapid strides. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, sent flying as the breeze blew them loose. After a while, her pace slowed, becoming a slow and plodding walk. She moved with an uncharacteristically numb air. Inside, all had turned numb, as well. Hers was a heart hollowed out by grief, till nothing but empty space resided in the very center. A void within a void. The flow of tears had stopped, and with them had stopped all feeling, all emotion. She wandered, but now she wandered without purpose. All the fire within her had died. How could any fire remain, when her mother no longer walked this earth? /Breathe. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale./ She pulled air into her lungs and let it loose in a long, slow exhalation. /Thump-thump. Thump-thump./ Her heartbeat pounded in the background like distant drums. It was a cool evening. A perfect one, under normal circumstances. A light breeze whisked merrily past the tabby she-cat, newleaf scents dancing throughout the atmosphere, nature celebrating the flight of the cold leaf-bare moons. But Memorymerit could not permit herself to enjoy the evening. No, any solace she might find here was a pretense, a lie. Oh, how she hated lies, hated them with fervent abandon. And the world was lying. It could give her no joy, no peace, no solace. It only widened the bitter gap in her own heart and soul. Crescentsail. Her mother - not in blood but in soul and spirit. Gone ... just like that, her spirit had returned to its rightful place in StarClan. /Rightful place./ What could possibly be right about taking a cat's spirit away from her mate and kits, from her friends and Clan? /Do you hear me, StarClan? What could possibly be right about any of this?/ Memorymerit's pace slowed even further before coming to a complete halt. She sat, shivering despite the lack of cold. No, this cold came from within. A frigid, biting loneliness. She had said good-bye to Crescentsail. Though in truth it had been recent, it felt like seasons away, in a lifetime where her Ma had been there to guide her, to listen, to care. If only Em could relive that moment - what she would give to spend more time, be it a moon or a minute, at her mother's side. /Was that really good-bye?/ The fire within her lay dormant at the bottom of a mound of ashes. Embers pulsed faintly, surrounded by dust and soot, the remains of what had once been ... stronger. Strategy General. Now that Crescentsail was gone, the position had passed on to Memorymerit. In some ways, it was more difficult than anything else to assume a position Crescentsail had once occupied. /But this is what you've always wanted to do, right? To be of use to your Clan./ It was in her name. She had always wanted to repay RiverClan for everything, everything they had ever done for her. She had always wanted to "merit" their approval. To prove herself worthy. Deciding to continue running, she bolted forward a few steps - and found that it was no longer ground beneath her. The shock of the impact was enough to drive the breath from her lungs. Water gushed over her head, forcing her beneath the surface. She managed to force her muzzle out of the water, pulling in a gasping breath, before losing control and sinking beneath once again. Old instincts took hold and she thrashed and flailed, forgetting the skillful paddling motions she had been taught as an apprentice. The numbness shattered, replaced with single-minded terror and desperation. /I can't drown. I can't drown./ /I need to live, I need to live, I need to live./ Had she fallen into a stream? An oasis? /Thump-thump, thump-thump./ Her lungs ached for air. Pinwheeling through the water, it was only a matter of time before she gave way. /I need ... to ... live./ Her head broke the surface. She gulped air greedily, flushed with relief. She uttered a silent prayer of thanks to whatever starry intervention had saved her from the depths. Despite her previous misgivings, she had just been saved from a watery grave. Treading water, she turned in a circle, sniffing the air and trying to reorient herself. In the brief yet terrifying moments underwater, she had lost her sense of direction. She had no idea whether she would be swimming toward the opposite bank or back to the shore where she had come. She decided to swim in no particular direction. A display of her old impulsivity. She paddled slowly without a destination in mind, focusing only on the rhythm of her paws ++
++ and the sensation of the water. Half a minute later, her paws brushed against a sandbar - /land, glorious land/ - and she scrabbled back onto dry ground. Sand clung to her paws and tail, and water weighed down her pelt. She shook herself, scattering the debris and droplets. It seemed she was on a small slab of rock in the center of an oasis, a mere stepping-stone, an island in the midst of calm obscurity. Isolated, just as she felt right now. The numbness was still there. It had been repressed, not depleted. The hole in her heart seemed larger than ever. But her little mishap seemed far too unexpected for her to continue wallowing in misery. So unexpected, in fact, that a small smile touched her face. A smile that turned into a beam, a beam that turned into her signature grin, and a grin that gave way to a snort of laughter. When she finally regained her composure, she felt ... different. Great flamingo feathers, it was difficult being miserable right after a cleansing, freeing laugh. It was difficult returning to that pit inside. Moments before, Memorymerit had been drowning in grief, overwhelmed by the duty her mother had once filled. It had seemed easier to swim downward. Now she had reached the surface once more. /I can be strong, can't I? It's what Ma would have wanted me to be./ Crescentsail had believed in her, and Memorymerit had never had any reason to doubt her. This grief, this longing, wouldn't go away anytime soon. It would linger, the aftershock of what had taken her ma away from her. The more she thought, the more certain she felt. "After all," she murmured aloud, "I ain't going to let myself become fragile, that's for sure." Voicing her conviction made facing the future seem less frightening, made the future seem more tangible, more real. Crescentsail's death felt a little more distant now. Memorymerit was the self-proclaimed star-crossed crusader. The weaver of her own destiny. She knew who she had been, and she knew who she was. She couldn't let fear get the better of her. Facing the unknown and continuing her journey - this would be a true adventure. The embers would stir, and she would rise from the ashes - eventually. But there was a time for everything, and now was the time for Memorymerit to grieve, to let all her melancholy loose till there were no more tears to shed. /Of course, right after I find my way back from this stars-forsaken tiny island ... / ____⚘____ 1271 words :D In a nutshell, Memorymerit is grieving the death of her mother Crescentsail :') Since she is becoming Strategy General in Cress's place, she feels an overwhelming sense of responsibility, and wonders how she can fill the position her own mother had. Still, she decides to at least try to be brave, and to face the future with resolve, just like she always had. At the moment, however, like all cats, she must take her time to grieve. This will affect her in her everyday life by making her more subdued and less excitable. Don't get me wrong, she's still good old Memorymerit, but for a time it will seem like she's actually maturing (insert sobbing noises here). After a while she'll return to her ricocheting-off-the-walls demeanor, though she'll be more conscientious than she was before. Character development for Mem! <3