a time for grief ⚘ memorymerit self-roleplay

Instructions

A Time for Grief ⚘ Memorymerit Self-roleplay All was dark over the dunes and streams of RiverClan's sprawling land. Evening approached, the horizon aflame with dimming scarlet shades. Illuminated only by the dim glow of moonlight, a lone warrior darted from the exit of camp, throwing away confinement and embracing the open freedom of the rushing wind. The sightless feline had run before in the past, but never like this. She was running to escape, well, everything. Her heart thrummed, synchronous with her rapid strides. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, sent flying as the breeze blew them loose. After a while, her pace slowed, becoming a slow and plodding walk. She moved with an uncharacteristically numb air. Inside, all had turned numb, as well. Hers was a heart hollowed out by grief, till nothing but empty space resided in the very center. A void within a void. The flow of tears had stopped, and with them had stopped all feeling, all emotion. She wandered, but now she wandered without purpose. All the fire within her had died. How could any fire remain, when her mother no longer walked this earth? /Breathe. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale./ She pulled air into her lungs and let it loose in a long, slow exhalation. /Thump-thump. Thump-thump./ Her heartbeat pounded in the background like distant drums. It was a cool evening. A perfect one, under normal circumstances. A light breeze whisked merrily past the tabby she-cat, newleaf scents dancing throughout the atmosphere, nature celebrating the flight of the cold leaf-bare moons. But Memorymerit could not permit herself to enjoy the evening. No, any solace she might find here was a pretense, a lie. Oh, how she hated lies, hated them with fervent abandon. And the world was lying. It could give her no joy, no peace, no solace. It only widened the bitter gap in her own heart and soul. Crescentsail. Her mother - not in blood but in soul and spirit. Gone ... just like that, her spirit had returned to its rightful place in StarClan. /Rightful place./ What could possibly be right about taking a cat's spirit away from her mate and kits, from her friends and Clan? /Do you hear me, StarClan? What could possibly be right about any of this?/ Memorymerit's pace slowed even further before coming to a complete halt. She sat, shivering despite the lack of cold. No, this cold came from within. A frigid, biting loneliness. She had said good-bye to Crescentsail. Though in truth it had been recent, it felt like seasons away, in a lifetime where her Ma had been there to guide her, to listen, to care. If only Em could relive that moment - what she would give to spend more time, be it a moon or a minute, at her mother's side. /Was that really good-bye?/ The fire within her lay dormant at the bottom of a mound of ashes. Embers pulsed faintly, surrounded by dust and soot, the remains of what had once been ... stronger. Strategy General. Now that Crescentsail was gone, the position had passed on to Memorymerit. In some ways, it was more difficult than anything else to assume a position Crescentsail had once occupied. /But this is what you've always wanted to do, right? To be of use to your Clan./ It was in her name. She had always wanted to repay RiverClan for everything, everything they had ever done for her. She had always wanted to "merit" their approval. To prove herself worthy. Deciding to continue running, she bolted forward a few steps - and found that it was no longer ground beneath her. The shock of the impact was enough to drive the breath from her lungs. Water gushed over her head, forcing her beneath the surface. She managed to force her muzzle out of the water, pulling in a gasping breath, before losing control and sinking beneath once again. Old instincts took hold and she thrashed and flailed, forgetting the skillful paddling motions she had been taught as an apprentice. The numbness shattered, replaced with single-minded terror and desperation. /I can't drown. I can't drown./ /I need to live, I need to live, I need to live./ Had she fallen into a stream? An oasis? /Thump-thump, thump-thump./ Her lungs ached for air. Pinwheeling through the water, it was only a matter of time before she gave way. /I need ... to ... live./ Her head broke the surface. She gulped air greedily, flushed with relief. She uttered a silent prayer of thanks to whatever starry intervention had saved her from the depths. Despite her previous misgivings, she had just been saved from a watery grave. Treading water, she turned in a circle, sniffing the air and trying to reorient herself. In the brief yet terrifying moments underwater, she had lost her sense of direction. She had no idea whether she would be swimming toward the opposite bank or back to the shore where she had come. She decided to swim in no particular direction. A display of her old impulsivity. She paddled slowly without a destination in mind, focusing only on the rhythm of her paws ++