Have you met a hidden monster? The ones that hide in the darkness, preying on your weakness, trying to tear you down from the inside. The ones you try so desperately to hide from everyone around you, hoping, praying they will not find out about this deep, dark secret. The ones that you have to fight to make them go away. For some, it's anxiety. Others, self-doubt. For some, it's unresolved conflicts, and even more have the deep dread they aren't doing enough. That they could never be enough. Sure, I deal with those monsters from time to time. But one monster loves to come back around, time and time again. Mine is fear. You want to know why Phoenix is brave? Because I'm not. I can't face my fears, because when I do, I freeze up, forget all logic. My monster tears me apart. Yes, I'm scared of heights, and yes I'm scared of needles. But my monster preys on my fear of storms. This monster found me when I was young, and used the loud thunderclaps, the bright flashes of lighting, the high winds, and rising water to make me terrified. "Mommy, mommy, we have to go to sleep! The storm's going to get us!" True story. For a bit, it seemed like the monster left when I matured. For a bit, it seemed like I wasn't fighting this monster at all. Then at camp, it came back. I kept that one a secret, all but to the girl who was on the bunk below me, who shooed away the monster. The monster came back when I stayed at my grandparent's house. I was up until 1 a.m. For the next few years, it came and it went. It showed up, then vanished. Some storms, I was fine. Others, you couldn't get me out of the basement if you tried. Finally, I was to the point I conquered the monster, scared it off forever, told it to leave me alone and never come back. That was April 4th, 2023. That STUPID monster came back, came back with a burning desire for revenge because NOTHING was more chilling then realizing that a LITERAL tornado was spotted a minute's drive from your local school. That it was 4 miles away from your own house and HURTLING STRAIGHT FOR IT. I still get nervous when that alarm sound goes off. I still get nervous when they test the tornado sirens. I still have to battle my monster whenever thunder splits the air. I still battle my monster. The night the flood happened, I was awake at 1 am. Thunder shook the house. I stayed awake the rest of the night, despite the only warning being a flood warning. It shouldn't have been a big deal. It's never been one before. We have a creek run through our town! 'It's just going to flood the park, like always.' I thought. Until I heard my dad upstairs at 4 am. "I'll open up the family life center." MY MONSTER TORE ME TO SHREADS. We lost so much. People tell me I shouldn't be affected. One person even told me I should stop talking about it, because "if you still have wifi, surely your house wasn't hit." They are right. I wasn't hit. But my friends were. My church members where. Staff at the school were hit. 5 people lost their lives because of the tornado. Many more lost everything they owned. I was their helping. I saw the broken hearts, the devastation. And it tore me apart mentally. Emotionally. My monster still fights me. I can't stand it when my news agency posts "tracking storms tonight" Because I know I will have a sleepless night. Even now, I'm hiding in my basement. We're supposed to get storms around midnight. We're only a month away from that horrid day. My monster's creeping closer. I feel it coming. I can no longer fight it. I've talked to my parents about it. I talked to the school counciler about it. I'VE TALKED TO EVERYONE AND THIS MONSTER STILL VISIOUSLY ATTACKS ME. Because "this storm isn't that bad" isn't enough. It wasn't that bad on the day of the flood. "This storm is severe but with very low chances for tornado" Our news didn't even post a live stream the day of the tornado, like they usually do, because the chance was so low. Lately, I've been listening to the song Darkside by Neonii. In their is a line that inspired this whole piece. "Walking the line between panic and losing my mind ... My devils they whisper in my ear, Deafening me with all my fears, I'm living in a nightmare!" My monster. He's taking over my thoughts. My actions.
My life. I've wrote about it before. My piece Fears, "the fears became reality, things will never be the same" My piece These Hazel Eyes, "The feeling of the unknown, that it could be your friends." My piece, Church Bells Ringing Through a Pain-Soaked Year, "We'd thought we'd seen it all. But the floods were too much, sweeping my town away. I heard the bells a lot that day, clinging to the little bit of peace I had left. Because peace was gone, hate was strong, I had nothing left." Yes, I still deal with monsters like guilt, regret, and the overall feeling that I'm not good enough. I know people deal with those monsters more than me. But now you've met my monster. You know why it fights me. I'm just here to ask you. What is your monster? Why do you fight it? How do you fight it?
