So… uhm… I haven’t been feeling so well lately. I suppress my emotions just for others (not that they asked) or to be ‘perfect’. It’s probably because I hate myself. I can lie to myself about the real things but in the end, it will stay the truth. And every god forsaken time I feel a negative because of something simple like attention I feel like a selfish /////. It’s not even playing in real life, it’s over the internet. More specific here. Scratch. Since my return I’ve basically been forgotten, maybe getting at least 3 views on a project or so. I… don’t know how to think about this. I don’t want to sound all egoistic or so and say that I want more views or more attention. I never realized how I actually wanted that. Only with a digital mask in front of me though. I mean with that I only want more attention from friends or simply people on the internet who I have a connection with. But it disgusts me over myself and I can’t help it. I can’t even tell anyone because I don’t want their pity. I always tell myself I don’t deserve it. That I’m worthless. Or at least that I see myself as worthless. I’m not dumb and I know everyone has some worth, but I just can’t accept that. Why do I always want to be perfect. Why can’t I have something I really want just one time. Once. Maybe I already had it… … It’s hard writing this, you know? I considered making a small project to this but I give up. I just want some… time for myself… No… I want time with human interaction. I don’t get why. But I feel so lonely. Yeah, parents exist woho… But I don’t- I’m not on good terms with my mom (and she has some mental problems) and I can’t tell EVERYTHING to my dad despite how much I already tell of myself to him. I just want someone… that can relate to me. I wan’t someone who I can trust at least a few things… … Actually Maybe it’s good if I just talk with my dad. Yeah… sounds good. Thanks for reading. See you.
Nahhh I got muted because I wrote “text me” For 10 minutes. Scratch, it’s not THAT bad :sob: /silly
