Yea I guess that break really helped me a lot. Im still going to continue it though. I think I kind of accepted that I suck at everything. I accepted that I talk so loudly, I have matted down hair, I just wear a black jacket for a lazy outfit, I dont clean my room or do anything, I have a bad temper, I cant continue like this. Now that spring is coming, I guess I cant wear that black jacket anymore. That's weird. Everythings weird now. It's like I gave up on everything, but I didn't? It's so peaceful now. That large tree that could at any time collapse on my house is kinda beautiful now. I never liked that tree, but somehow I like it now. It's branches are too slim to carry me, but I always feel like I could climb it. I dont think my parents like me that much. They tell me theyre listening to what i say but they'll laugh at me. god, who calls that listening? I sprained my ankle, but they kind of laughed it off. Now theyre telling me to slow down when im walking? its like theyre always contradicting themselves. Do they care or not? if theyre putting limits to everything I do when I make sure not to go overboard is that really called _ They took away everything from me, but i dont feel anything anymore. I accepted that I cant keep up with my friend group, so I stopped entirely They didnt even notice ive never been sick in the whole 8th grade, and none of them bothered to ask why was I out, unless they sit next to me and had nobody else. I was kind of suprised when they said it was lonely without me because it's usually them who tells me not to talk to them. I think I might be scared to commit to a friendship. I did that once, and then I did something really bad. No one would ever forgive me for what I've done. It was 5 years ago, but I still think of it, why? You've plagued my mind, but I don't really miss you. Maybe I'm having a change of heart, crying over stories that I used to not feel anything for. I was really messed up, I couldn't really cry to someone's death. I was filled with this need that it was normal to cry for someone close to you dying that I just lied to myself. Was it because I couldn't cry, or I didn't care? In my dreams when someone close to me died I cried hard, but when someone really died, I guess I just sat there or cried because i had to. I always drew my irl self with short hair, because I cut it in 7th grade, my favorite year. Now my hair is longer and tangled, so I drew this drawing with longer hair. I still drew it a bit short though in this project, I don't know if it's me having a hard time to let go of the past. Me, the stupidest person in the world, who couldn't understand other people's pain, who hurt someone intentionally and would have to live remembering everything they did, who wanted friends but couldnt get too close to them. That would wrap up my life right now. Am I becoming disgusting? Im doing things I used to think was "weird" or not cool, like writing, not organizing, caring about my looks but not doing anything about it. I started to eat less, it was only when my friends told a counselor about it that I got help. I hate eating food, it makes me feel disgusting. It was wrong to think that, but why did I not want help? I wanted help, but when I got it I didnt feel better. Why is everything so confusing? why is everything so confusing so much???? I want to break down and cry like a million times or something. I shared too much here.
this is kinda recreated from memory from this art peice i really liked from a childhood webcomic.
