Alright. This is my first critique, so let's get this show on the road. Fandom: Warriors Now, Warriors is quite an overused fandom. Of course, it is a good series and has quite a lot of opportunities to explore, so I'll let it slide. In the future, perhaps you could do an OC from a different fandom. 0/3 Sue/Stu Factor points Name: Violetcloud/Vi Warrior cats have names heavily based off of nature, and the world around them. 'Violetcloud' is more of a pretty-sounding name than a realistic name that would be used in the books. And, if anything, this name should be used for a medicine cat. The nickname, 'Vi,' makes me groan internally. Warrior cats DO NOT use nicknames. Even lovingly, when uttered by their children, parents, or significant other, they are called by their entire name. Either make her be called by her full name, or change it. 2/3 Sue/Stu Factor points Family: Significant Other, children, no parents A mate, and 2 kits? Fine, I suppose you can have families for your OCs that AREN'T badly done. But unknown parents? Having no parents for your character is lazy, overdone and cliché. Perhaps make it a little more realistic, maybe having both parents alive, but raised by one, as if they weren't together as mates anymore. 1/3 Sue/Stu Factor Points Personality: A quiet leader with a temper, she can be motherly but she's a grump more often. Actually, this isn't that badly done. Natural leaders are fine, so long as they're done well. Tempers are good, they give faults without being too cliché. Only being somewhat motherly is more realistic, because nobody is EVER a complete, natural and amazing mother. Being a grump is good too. Actually, the personality is probably my favourite part about this character. I'm removing a Sue Factor point. -1/3 Sue/Stu Factor Points Looks: White cat, gray paws + tail tip, violet eyes, hoop earring Oh boy oh boy. Yikes. An all-white cat would've been an immediate Sue Factor points, but she's got some spots. More realistically, this cat should be pointed or have gray ears. And her eyes. Oh, man, the eyes. They're violet. Violet/purple eyes are IMMEDIATELY more Mary-Sue. In fact, I myself have had quite a few Sue OCs with violet eyes, but I changed them. Sure, she may be called 'Violetcloud' because she was named after her eyes, but kittens always have BLUE eyes. And anyways, apparently she had no parents. And she was Clan-born. Who would've named her?? Ugh. And the jewelry. NO WARRIOR CATS HAVE JEWELRY. PERIOD. Maybe, to make her look better/realistic, give her blue eyes, get rid of her jewelry, and perhaps make her looks somewhat like this picure: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_k8eDbRWpD90/SlgA_4vWeLI/AAAAAAAAAAU/V9kei_zDTMs/S220/pale+gray+and+white+cat.jpg 3/3 Sue/Stu Factor Points. Backstory: Oh, this is where it gets iffy. She gets sent up to the tribe. Not a good starting point. She fell in love with a cat named Fire. Well, falling in love is a cliché thing, but if done well, it can be good. Then when he asked her to be his mate, the ground suddenly crumbled under him. Unexplainably. Well, that's always a good thing. Totally not cliché *sarcasm*. Then she fled the tribe, but before she could get back she had kits. Uncompleted journeys are almost never original. Her kits have VERY Gary-Stu looks: one is a gray tabby, which isn't that bad, but the other one... Oh, the other one. An entirely white cat with a black mark over one eye, one purple eye, and one eye that's half green and half blue. Ech. Apparently, when she gets back, she is made a hero (for some reason?), and moons later Fire comes back. That's the end. Wow. What a creative backstory. Here's my advice: maybe, as her backstory, when she meets Fire, they become mates and have kits. Black Cloud in White Sky (the Sue/Stu kit) has a mottled white, gray and black pelt. His eyes are the same color, but if you want him to have different colored eyes, maybe give him sectoral heterochromia. When their kits are almost apprentices, Fire is hit by a twoleg 'monster.' The twolegs then take him away (to heal him). Moons later, he is brought back, but he is neutered, making him asexual. They lived happily ever after.What do you think of something like that? .-. 4/3 Sue/Stu Factor Points Total Sue/Stu Factor Points: 9/18 Alright, that's half the total points possible. Maybe take the time to rewrite her backstory, change her markings, and make her more realistic-ish. It doesn't have to be completely normal, that would make her bland. She can still have some more non-realistic qualities, just make sure they're creative. I apologize if this offends anyone in any way; this was not my intent. Comment some (constructive) criticism down below in the comments. Any rude, inappropriate or disrespectful comments will be reported. PEACE, KATS!
