LUCIEN ANGST WRITING MWAHAHAHAHAHa

Instructions

This past decade was agonizing for my pathetic heart. Real agonizing. I looked for you, I hoped for you, and I waited. Azariah Callahan I really did love you. I don’t know why. I really don’t know why I waited when love isn’t real. I don’t know why I looked forward to you in the time that we were together. I really don’t know why I spent all my time and money on you as well as showed you everything that was dear to me. Wait. I know why. Because you were dear to me. You were my everything. I’m such a fool and it really, really hurts. I mean, I’m just some witch. Why’d I think a guy like me could love a man like you? Kind and beautiful, empathetic and with humor that could make even the most hardened soldier laugh, you are everything I am not. Back then I was just this hopeful but slightly shy boy having the burden of a secret deep in his heart. You never lied to me. Yet I looked you in the eyes and I lied so many type about who I am, what my family does, where I come from. I am going to live for five hundred years. We’re opposite in every way, aren’t we? I’ll lose you- no. I’ve already lost you and we’re both only twenty-seven. Why did I choose to age over the years instead of freeze like everybody else? Jesse Maidensmark told me not to try to change myself and that it was okay to be the outcast. He hugged me, my mother said something makes me different from the rest, Morrigan told me he was proud of me- I’ve disappointed you all. I have dishonored my father for my old nature, Azariah, you’ve seen my tears, Morrigan is broke our promise. I’m so sorry. And I know I can’t fix what I’ve done and I know I don’t deserve forgiveness. I’ve disappointed everyone I’ve cared and loved. I’ve betrayed my entire family. I’m robbing them the chance to love somebody else and to make this family bigger. I am condemning them to a miserable fate. All for what? Somebody who doesn’t love me and who shouldn’t love me? For Lucifer’s sake, he’s married! He /was/ married! All I have now is the hope I can keep my family name even though I really don’t deserve it. I’m finally getting tattoos so I never forget my mistakes. Never, for the rest of my pathetic existence. I’m going to get them and I am going to hope that if/when my family casts me out they’ll take care of Azariah for me. I hope he finds himself a kind and tall angel man. Somebody that holds him everyday, waking him up with embraces in the sunlight. I hope this angel man lives every daydream I’ve ever had about him and I sure hope that Azariah will become the happiest man out there. He isn’t like me. He’s broken, but isn’t unfixable. He really isn’t like me and I am certain that he doesn’t want me. He wouldn’t even hold my hand. Azariah, my heart is being ripped apart so slowly and there is no one in this world that can fix it. I’m going to be lonely towards the end of my existence, I know that. All I hope is that if I find that somebody to crawl back to, my heart will be collected. It won’t be healed and it won’t be fixed but the shards can be fixed, can’t they? I wish my father was here. I wish I got to know him. Maybe then he could have stopped me from being so weak for you and he could have stopped me from making this deal. I don’t want to be the odd one out and different from the rest. Who could love somebody so different? Why could you love me? I’ve got so many questions, but most of all, Azariah, did you ever love me in the first place? Was was what we once had real or was it something I innocently and stupidly made up in my senseless head? I’ve cried too much. Way too much over the years but I just…I really can’t help it. I’m not human but I act like one. I want to be perfect but I ain’t. And now I can’t even go back into my mother’s arms, not after what I’ve done. I really have nobody and it hurts so much. I just want us to lay down together like we used to and stare at the blue sky. I want you to tease me. I want you to call me Luci. I just want one more night with you. But I know that won’t happen. Why would it? Sometimes I wonder what you what have done if I told you. If I showed you everything that I am, if what we had really was real. The taste of salty tears is a familiar sense.