genuinely. im almost going to middle school. im afraid. its been harder to get out of bed. sometimes i wish i could just stay in bed and never get up. its just so tiring. i also have sleep interia, basically where i wake up and end up being more tired than when i went to sleep, even if i slept a whole night. i have paranoia. whenever im changing, even with my windows closed i feel like someone's watching, and in class i have that same feeling. im also a little emotionally sensitive, so i cant control my emotions every well, meaning sometimes i get upset or angry easily. my mom told me she would find me a therapist, but here i am. i dont have one. i feel physically and mentally drained. i told my mom once i feel like every once in a while i could take a day off of school but she just said 'oh you reference mental health, but your fine.' some people would see that as me being dramatic, but i took it as her being dismissive. i get used to getting in trouble, i guess because whenever my parents get mad and yell/snap at me and scold me, i freeze and whenever im alone after, i get anxiety spikes. Around people, i just brush it off and act silly. but really it kind of drains me the tiniest bit. i used to do (s3lf h4rm), but it was only scratches. i have 3 scissors around my room and i always have the urge to do it again. but i dont. i consider.. yk. many times. but im afraid to do it. i might regret it and its something i cant take back. now. fencing class. i take them tuesdays and thursdays, for one hour, but i have to get up at 8 o clock on saturday for 2 hours of fencing, which is also physically draining for me. like, today (5/9/26) i went to fencing in a hurry and i didnt eat breakfast (they ended up having bananas so i ate one thankfully). 2 hours? sure, i could maybe do that. but fencing 8 battles, maybe more? yeah no. i tell my mom, and guess what? 'we paid over a hundred for this. you'll live.' does how much money you paid for it matter more than my mental health, no less my emotional issues? im just tired of it.
audio: jordan river
