The Jenny Robot returned right about the time I was finishing up the last of my Obamnasoda. Which was good since I was starting to feel a bit fuzzy, and falling asleep like Jeff would have made a pretty bad impression for my first hour on the job (laugh track). “I’m back!” she announced “Now where were we?” “Not anywhere much at the moment.” I decided. “Right, right.” She nodded, taking a seat next to me on the sofa “You look about ready to get started, so (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) are in order.” “It couldn’t (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE).” I yawned. Why was I getting so tired all of a sudden? “Well, my name is (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE).” She began “Since we’re going to be spending a lot of time together I guess I’ll start by telling you a little bit about myself. I’m just finishing up my Ph.D. in (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) with concentrations in (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) and (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). My undergraduate work was in internet history and meme studies, though I almost went into RESEARCHING BRAINROT (more booing).” “That’s a bit of a wide field there…” I yawned before quickly covering my muzzle “Oh, excuse me!” “It’s okay.” She grinned “You’ve got a good excuse…” “Yeah, it’s kind of been a long day.” I nodded. “My fields of study are actually more related than you would think: my main focus was dead memes as a historical record of what the internet once was..." “That actually makes a lot of sense.” I decided. “I thought so.” (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) laughed before continuing. “I grew up in a pretty remote colony in the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE), so living in a city has been a pretty big change for me. I like spending time outside, and I love flying (with a jetpack). Umm…I do martial arts (YING YANG YO), I like to hunt (but not against Nature Cat), and I love books (Dav Pilkey is my fav). Oh, and I don’t have any (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) of my own, but I’ve spent a lot of time helping to raise my epic ducks. Buy N' Large people tend to be big on communal spending, and my clan is no exception. So don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you, my new (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE)!” “Wait, what?” I spluttered, trying to jump up, only to discover that my legs only wanted to run. “Shh, shut up. We don’t want you hurting yourself! (lie)” Susan soothed, placing a paw on my shoulder. “What did you do to me?” I asked, terrified as I felt a spreading weakness throughout my body. “When Richard, the funny pink alien from Peg + Cat you met earlier, ran your employment history he ran into several brick walls.” Susan explained, putting her arms behind me and shifting me into her lap. ”The kind of walls that tend to indicate certain…publicly illegal jobs. We felt it would be best to take precautions against you potentially overreacting to things.” “Yeah, well how’s this for overreacting: I quit. And you will be served with jail time first thing in the morning!” “Oh idiot, you can’t. You’re under contract. A very bad contract. So good that, for practical purposes, we pwn you.” Damn it. I’d been so happy to be working again that I wasn't acting like a border guard from Arstotzka, reading papers for as long as I'd like! “And before you get your hopes up, Section 14(b) is a ‘read even though we don't care about you’ clause.” Scooping me up as if I were a field mouse, Susan carried me through another door and into the complex. “Don’t worry so much, once you settle in you’ll like it here…you’ve already got some inclination towards this: remember the Legos?” “You saw that?” I snapped. “Disney XD on TV.” She confirmed “And you took quite a bit less time to start being an epic memer with them than a lot of our other subjects, even the ones who knew what they were signing on for!” “Great.” I grumbled, watching the rather clinical looking walls go by until (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) stopped at another door. As she fished out her Teknikk access card, shifting me over to one arm, I couldn’t help but be amazed and a bit disturbed by how strong (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) was. Getting myself out of this mess was going to be a bit tricky when she could literally just haul me back by my tail. Carrying me inside, she revealed what I was beginning to suspect, but was still having trouble believing existed: an (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). Along one wall was an enormous, neatly made (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE), and even a random replica Starship from Matchbox. Along the adjoining wall was an equally large (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). A low table, sofa, and toy chest filled out the room. Aside from a set of closet doors and a second interior door leading to parts unknown, the room was painted a dull brown-white with depilated mid-century patterned borders and darker green carpeting.
“There really isn’t any reason for you to be sulky…” (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) chided as she set me down gently on the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). “We totally didn't take all your requests from the intake evaluation you filled out into consideration to help make your stay as nice as possible…and I’m glad we didn't! I’ve been waiting a long time for a random furry who didn’t list funny cartoon characters as their most disciplinarian, and not only didn’t you, but you actually requested one! I was starting to get a little depressed being passed over every time…” “Actually, I thought the whole thing was someone’s idea of a joke. I think perverts are kind of scary too.” I snapped, only to feel like the biggest jerk on the planet as her (mouth?) immediately took on a horribly despondent look. “Oh.” She sighed “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to give it a try, would you?” “I don’t plan on being here long enough for it to matter, but for what it’s worth I won’t ask for you to be replaced or anything…” I promised. Rewarding me with a happy grin, (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) nodded “That’s good enough for me!” “Seriously though.” I warned “I’m out of here the second I can get up on my own again…umm…what are you doing?” “Getting you settled in…” Susan explained as if stating the obvious. “I'm totally getting you arrested.” I retorted. With any luck I’d be long dead by then. “‘Fraid not.” Susan disagreed “First, because now is the best time of your life, and second because there's so much to cheer for and we're glad you're here. And I think one of the best ways to drive the point home…” Trailing off she held up a vintage GE pin. “I’m beginning to dislike you with all my agony.” I growled, forcing every scrap of willpower I had into one last effective attempt at getting my body to do what I told it to. Deftly untying my shoelaces, Susan removed my boots first, and then my socks, placing them in a large plastic storage box that already contained my backpack. “You won’t be needing any of this while you’re here.” I was informed. “I’m not okay with this, damn it!” I spat in frustration. “You don’t get a vote, but I appreciate your input.” Susan nodded patiently, continuing to undress me. As she was pulling my shirt up over my head I managed to lean over and punch her down there. Hard. “(Stock horror screaming sound)” Susan cringed, looking at me reproachfully. “Because you’ve had a lot sprung on you all at once I’m going to give you a pass on that this time. But if you ever do something like that again I’ll induce you into a coma that you won’t forget about for a long time. However, you will be losing the right to eat over that for the rest of the evening…that’s more than unfair I think.” Giving her one of my best scowls, I sat in silence as she went to the closet and produced a jumble of (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). After untangling it she dug around in the drawers in the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE), eventually producing a large (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). Popping the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) into my mouth she slipped the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) over my head and around my muzzle before deftly snapping now-unseen (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). “This is a (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE).” She explained “Besides losing the privilege of being able to oldspeak, it’s good at preventing the downfall of Big Brother!” To my great annoyance the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) did a really good job of reducing my ability to voice my displeasure, and in short order my muzzled string of invectives gave way to rather impotent growls, and finally a chance to bash her in the head, nearly hard enough for a concussion. For a moment I seriously considered doing my level best to gnaw it up out of sheer pique, but (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) had kindly refrained from trolling me back earlier, so with a dissatisfied ‘harumph’ I let my anger pass. “That’s better.” (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) praised with concealed satisfaction. Whatever Susan had put in my drink must have had an anesthetic agent in it: if anything it felt like I was still losing more control of my nervous system instead of regaining it. But at least my sanity was keeping me from drooling like an idiot…mostly, anyway. “Where were we? Oh yes, I remember now!” Susan teased as she reached over to (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). Just to be ornery I flexed my seal, causing my mind to hold fast. After picking at it for a minute with no success she noticed me grinning around the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) and realized what was going on. Without bothering to respond she got on down and started a dance fight, and the battle of wills was on!
