dearest maplestar, my dearest mother. i can remember a multitude of things i would do as a kit. i would pretend to make a border with sticks and leaves, then show you it. as if they were something to take seriously. did you take them seriously? it would be amusing, if you had. ̶i̶ ̶g̶i̶g̶g̶l̶e̶,̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶ ̶c̶r̶y̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶ i do not know what to think when i look back at these memories of a bygone era. you see, i can remember the pride in your eyes when you looked at me. as if i was something to be proud of. was i? am i still? would you still love me, even knowing what i have done? what i have caused? ̶d̶e̶s̶p̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶e̶r̶r̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶m̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶p̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶i̶r̶c̶u̶m̶s̶t̶a̶n̶c̶e̶s̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶p̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶i̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶e̶t̶e̶r̶n̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶e̶n̶v̶e̶l̶o̶p̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶f̶e̶a̶r̶i̶s̶h̶,̶ ̶f̶e̶v̶e̶r̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶d̶r̶e̶a̶m̶s̶ ̶i̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶r̶e̶a̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶w̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶i̶ ̶s̶e̶c̶o̶n̶d̶ ̶g̶u̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶ i have a multitude of things i would like to say. but it would feel wrong to exhibit those meaningful words in a cacophonic dance of closure. but, i have words i believe i can allow to envelop you - even if for just a moment. i. am sorry. i am apologetic for not being able to tell you goodbye. for not being able to ease your burdens, just a little bit. mother, i love you so much to the point my heart begins to ache and twist whenever i remember your voice. the way you always saw pride in my achievements even when they should not have mattered when there was always something more important something that should have taken priority above my silly spoutings of joy, my silly ideals in a world that ceases to exist for me now. ̶i̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶s̶t̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶i̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶w̶h̶y̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ i am uncertain on why you adored me so much. me and my kin. i have died your son and you have lived my mother tortrixblight died my father snugvow died my brother wanderlusthope died my sibling haveneternity died my sister solacesoliloquy died my kin and sanctuarypaw was taken from us too soon i like to think they wouldve been known as sanctuaryserendipity or something like that but we will never know. fulminarekit died my sister empyreankit died my sibling fablekit died my kin so many deaths so many losses but we need to cherish the living merakipaw lives on as my sister and scholar. i am proud of you. i am happy to be able to mentor you from the afterlife, and atleast pass down charadecharms teachings onto somebody else lacunapaw lives on as my sibling. i don't believe i have formally met them. sunfallpaw also lives on as my kin. likewise with lacuna. we haven't formally met. i want the living to stay alive forever but we all must deteriorate some day as our bones grow too frail to carry our stature or as nature needs to eat its children to satiate itself. to allow more life to flourish, to grow, to maintain its ecosystems and wonders and animals alike. thank you for your letter, mama. i love you. sincerely yours, hiraethhalo.
music: he's my man - luvcat
